For the fact that there are 33.89% less porpoises this year than ten years ago. It is your blueberry Pop-Tarts that are killing the porpoises. Not your neighbor’s Pop-Tarts or that guy in Idaho’s Pop-Tarts. Your Pop-Tarts, you idiot scumbag.

Additionally, because you cook your dinner using your gas oven, you are to blame for the fracking problems making Swiss cheese out of That One Beautiful National Park—you know, the one in all the pictures. It is your fault because your residence uses five percent more natural gas than other residences on your street. Because you are too blasting cheap to upgrade. Because you have other frivolous expenses. If you could just patronize the greasy Chinese restaurant in the older strip mall that you think is ugly more often instead of the slightly less greasy Chinese restaurant in the slightly newer strip mall That One Beautiful National Park would still appear pristine and the Rainbow Owl That Everyone Loves would still be plentiful and not subject to maudlin folk songs by washed-up Birkenstock wearing '70s folk-rock groups.

Let us also proffer the notion that your annoying daily habit of drinking a single Bud Light is destroying what is left of the Great Coral Reef. It is just that a can was found which suspiciously looks as though it could have fallen specifically from your recycling bin and then been washed into the storm drain and then into the bay and then into the ocean and then circulated for thousands of miles into the Monster Swirlie in the Pacific Ocean and then subsequently into Australia where your specific idiotic Bud Light can kills twenty fish and then gets lodged into the coral reef itself precipitating the demise of two square miles of natural beauty. Way to go, moron.

The fact that you forgot to vote in the local county run-off for the board of education last year also destroyed civilization, thank you for your lazy ignorance. Yes, you had a dental appointment that day and then a hectic day at work and then you drove through thirty miles of bumper-to-bumper traffic back to the elementary school where you vote (peering up at the basketball rims in the musty and nostalgia-inducing gym) but it was too late—the polls had closed by the time you got there. As a result of your inept laziness, society imploded, the economy collapsed and thousands of innocent civilians died in the war that began under the new administration. Awesome, asshole.

Lest you believe that we failed to notice the baseball hat you bought which was made in China by the eleven-year-old children of one-armed peasants, we so did. That single hat might seem innocent and good ole American, but its existence is brought to you by starvation and malnutrition as a result of the pittance paid to the starving eleven-year-old peasant children, who also now have a rare intestinal parasite, thank you very much. As a result of such negligence, the eleven-year-old children of peasants will grow up believing that America is the devil and will someday help initiate a violent works strike that overthrows the leadership of a large multi-national company which results in economic collapse, which results in World War Three, which results in mass nuclear carnage. We hope you enjoy your cap.

The fact that you had to have a hard copy of the morning newspaper at the café that one Sunday May morning–that was not okay. As a result of your excess, the most precious tree in the state of Georgia was cut down. They were going to allow that tree to stand, but since you had to have a physical copy of the morning paper, the governor decided that the economy was more important than some tree that has been standing since 1689. The next morning it was buzzed to the ground and turned into toilet paper, paper towels, and newspaper. Good thing you tossed yours into the trash can after ten minutes.

Speaking of coffee, your coffee addiction is causing drug wars in Central America, we hope you know. We may not hear much of such things, but it is all-too-real and this particular war has orphaned many young children, sponsored by you. It is a horrible failing, this coffee dependence of yours. If you’d like we can just give you a gun and you can shoot young Mary (age six) in the head yourself—much more humane that way.

Lastly, let’s talk about your goldfish. It’s true that a goldfish is “low impact,” but still you do have a goldfish and this goldfish is a water hog. You change the water for this single, moronic, goldfish once a week and as a result of this action there is a little girl in Ethiopia who is starving to death. How do we make the connection from your tap water to the lack of water in Ethiopia, on the other side of the world? It is all connected, of course, and the water that you gave to the goldfish does not have the chance to evaporate into the atmosphere and involve itself in the water cycle and as a result of this bypass there is less rain and as a result of less rain, there is less rain for Ethiopia. And as a result of less rain for Ethiopia, you are killing this little girl. Well, not you exactly—the one inch by two-inch goldfish that you like to call “Boris,” tongue in cheek. Fantastic job!


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