A lot of you said Natalie and I would never work out. You said, “you have no job, no real skills and no work ethic, you’ll never be able to provide for her.” Well boy did you have egg on your faces when we walked down the aisle together at our wedding. Sorry again for throwing the eggs but you all had been nothing short of rude about our impending nuptials.

Then all of the sudden, you all did a full 180 at the reception. You came up to us saying, “you guys are perfect for each other” and “so excited for you two soulmates.” Jeff, you even finally admitted in your best man speech that the two of us “were made for each other.” Well, I bet you all felt pretty stupid a month later when we got divorced.

You all are just wrong time after time.

How many times did you idiots say some version of “you’re better off without her” after she left? There you bozos were, putting your feet in your mouths when we got back together again!

You thought I couldn’t provide for Natalie, but, what you didn’t realize is that I know a thing or two about managing money, investing, and jumping in front of cars in neighborhoods where the drivers are likely to want a quick, out-of-court settlement.

When I took the money from my settlements and poured them into Natalie’s startup, none of you supported us. None of you invested, even after we tricked you into sitting through the entire presentation! If you’d spent more time watching the presentation and less time trying to pick the locks, maybe you would’ve seen the potential of the company. But no, you just insisted “this sounds an awful lot like a Ponzi scheme.”

Well guess what, you sound just like the guys from the government. Try using real words that us non-nerds can understand.

You said, “Natalie’s name isn’t on any of the paperwork, she hasn’t put any money into the business. She’s setting you up to be the fall guy.” Maybe if you spent less time worrying about if I’m being set up and more time setting each other up with dates then you would have a life, and you could quit dissecting our relationship.

When I was inevitably made to be the fall guy (fine, you got one thing right) and got locked up, you all said Natalie would never wait for me on the outside. Well guess what, she did wait for me while I was in prison. In fact, she kept waiting a whole year and a half after I got out of prison before she contacted me.

You said she cheated on me during the four years I was in prison, but you’re wrong. She didn’t have time. She was busy raising the two-year-old child she introduced me to when she came back.

You said Natalie never loved me, yet a judge called what she did a “crime of passion.” That’s right, a federal circuit judge called what we had “passion.” You losers wouldn’t know passion if it left deep lacerations on your butts before apologizing and begging you not to call the cops.

We’re not perfect, but show me a couple that is. Considering how often you all have been wrong about Natalie and me, maybe take a step back. Acknowledge you don’t know everything about our relationship. You know what? After you take that step back, take two more steps back. This package is from Natalie and I can never remember if you’re supposed to cut the red wire or the blue wire.