I need a drink!” said the man at the bar.

The bartender gave him a drink. “What is the problem, sir?”

“My wife!” said the man and he rolled his eyes.

“My wife!” said the man next to him.

They looked at each other and drank their drinks.

“Give me another drink,” said the first man. “And put a crazy straw in it.”

The bartender gave him another drink.

“My wife!” said the first man, and he drank his drink through the crazy straw.

“My wife!” said the second man. “Give me a Sherly Temple with dirt in it,” he said to the bartender.

“My kids!” said the first man.

“What about your kids?” said the second man. He sipped his dirty Sherly Temple.

“They are difficult,” said the first man. His name was Gorge. (That is an old person's name.)

“Kids are always difficult. They will learn that when they have kids of their own,” said the second man. His name was Wilmott. That is a name of a man my dad knows, and he is also old. Old enough to be in a bar.

“Give me a glass of milk with licker in it,” said Gorge.

The bartender gave him his licker milk.

The bartender doesn't have a name. He is just a bartender. He has long arms like a muppet.

“What is your job?” Wilmott said.

“I work in an office,” said Gorge. “My boss keeps turtles in a tank. Sometimes I have to feed them.”

“Do you have to clean the tank?” said Wilmott.

“No. There is a filter and pump for that.”

“Nice,” said Wilmott. “I drive a dump truck. Brrrrmmmm! Brrrmmmm! There are no turtles, but once I picked up a raccoon and we watched She-Ra on the tv in my truck.”

The bartender smacked Wilmott in the head because he was getting antsy. “You two go to the pool room in the back and play LEGO,” said the bartender.

They swam in the pool room even though they forgot their suits.


“We should do those bed things,” said the lady.

“Yes,” said the husband.

“I have put the dog in the closet so he won't interrupt us.”

(The dog is called Shirt, which is the same as my dog's name. We are not allowed to call him by his real name because it is rude.)

“But what about the diagram?” he said.

“I will draw it later,” she said.

He pulled out her fallopy tube, which looks like a crazy straw, and he started drinking the bathwater.

Then Shirt got out of the closet and he grabbed the fallopy tube and he ran away! The man and his wife chased Shirt, but he escaped. Shirt went to the dog park, which is his favorite place and he buried that fallopy tube and THEY NEVER FOUND IT. It grew up out of the ground and turned into a pink flamingo. This is where pink flamingos come from. No one told me this–I figured it out myself.

“We should yell at our kids now,” said the man. “Because we are angry and they don't understand us.”

“Where is my atavan?” said the woman. “If I can't find my atavan I will scream.”

“First let me have a nightcap,” said the man. He put an elf hat on his head which was stripey and blue and green with a pom-pom on the end and which he never let his children wear because only grown-ups can have nightcaps. This seems unfair, but when kids say so parents yell at them, but when I am a grown-up there will be nightcaps for EVERYONE.

The woman didn't find her atavan because it drove away to a parking lot to be with the other vans.


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