All White Christmas Lights: You gave up in whimsy a long time ago. It wasn’t the existence of Santa that made you lose your Christmas spirit, but that time your boyfriend got you lavender-scented lotion “because you like to smell nice.” You put up boring, white lights because you can use them in your sweet bachelorette pad once you finally move out… one day. You love Facebook. You work in data. Someone called you “chipper” once and it never sat right with you. On Christmas Day you will open gifts at your parent's house, eat dinner at his parent's house, and really give a second look at that apartment your folks built in the basement.

Icicle Lights: You’re here for the theater. The holiday season is about drama. You are not obligated to follow any Home Owner Association rules, and you are running with that. If TLC was doing a show about extreme holiday housing, you wouldn’t just apply, you would sabotage other applications so it was simply a documentary about your life. You are callous, cool, and careful. You ARE the icicle. You ARE the reason for the season. You ARE the one crying in the bathroom over a Muppet Musical DVD. And you love it.

Inflatables Across the Yard: You are not lazy, you’re an innovator. Why buy the movie when you could read the series? The story is always being told. You considered an MFA but you didn’t get into the one grad school you applied to so now you work in communications for a medical practice. Some guy named Tony sends you a newsletter every year detailing his kid's credentials these days. His son went into dentistry. You haven’t seen the dentist in years. Call Tony’s son. On Christmas Eve you get very, very, completely blackout-ly drunk with every member of your family. The kids wake everyone up in time for a hangover puke. In a way, it is nostalgic.

Projector Lighting: You are away on vacation. You will wish you did not go on vacation for Christmas, as this is what a villain in a movie aspires to do throughout the plot. You’re the grinch. On Christmas Day, you’ll look out over the ocean and call your family from another time zone. They put you on speaker while they sing “Feliz Navidad” including the instrumental parts. You hang up when you realize you cannot drink hot chocolate out of a coconut… or can you?

Net Lighting: It’s not a lot, but it’s not nothing. You have a very cool, interesting job or a very cool, interesting partner who would put more effort into the lights if they had the time. You do something that a movie protagonist would do, like journalism or advertising. You enjoy holidays but only because you moved away from California and now live in a place with snow. It’s better and you haven’t spoken to your mom yet this month. Your family spends Christmas doing something actually cool, like snowboarding or donating to art museums. It doesn’t even occur to you that some people spend this holiday crying in a bathroom because they got a Muppet Musical DVD. You are too busy building a real gingerbread house for the poor.

Timed to Music: Much like the icicle light people, you love drama. The only difference is that you never found true friendship. You are a theater kid who never got the big lead. You are a debate kid who never won the topic. You are an improv kid who always got “yes, and” though never “but why?” You are, for all intents and purposes, a nightmare to know. Your holiday is spent opening gag gifts that are more of a hassle than a humor. You will not stop pressing the button on the dancing Santa robot that makes him sing “Let It Snow…” Every day you choose violence against your loved ones, and today is no different. Let. It. Snow.

No Lights: You don’t celebrate Christmas. Or you live in an apartment. Or you are me. Or you forgot time is real. Or you don’t care. You’re doing fine.


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