There is always that one person that seems to have it all. They are so difficult to shop for during the holidays! Take my brother, for example, he must have found enlightenment because when you ask him what he wants for Christmas, he’s all, “I have everything I want. Don’t spend your money on me. To desire is to suffer.”
Not to worry! Though these loved ones are hard to shop for, everyone has a price. Here’s a holiday gift guide for those tough nuts to crack. Because you have to. If you don’t buy them a gift, you are a monster; a heartless grinch who is choosing this sacred celebration to reveal their true, selfish nature.
They have it all. The husband, the mansion, the coke addiction. What could you, their friend in low places, get them?
What they want: To ensure their dark secrets are never uncovered.
What they need: This is a classic Ebenezer Scrooge situation. They need to rebuild their connection to humanity.
What to get them: It only seems like they have it all because you have next to nothing in comparison. Get them a Groupon that you both can share! It is proven that experiences, rather than materials, create happiness. To add that special signature touch: wrap it in all the late notices from Sallie Mae you have. This will let them know that you are struggling, and schadenfreude is the greatest gift of all.
Every year he claims he doesn’t want anything. You’ve got him tools. You’ve got him ties. You’ve got him books he has never and will never read. None of it had made you his favorite. It’s time to try something new.
What they want: Just to see you happy and healthy. Those assholes.
What they need: To understand that gift-giving is like a funeral: it’s not about them, it’s about those who have to put up with them.
What to get them: It’s time to turn the tables. They don’t want anything, fine, but you won’t be the person not to get them anything. This year, return to the classics: homemade. Make a macaroni mosaic of the family, and when he doesn’t prominently display it, ask him why he hates you. Who’s the monster now, Dad?
Felines do not understand the Yule Tide. Though some have accidentally decked the halls, they can’t conceive of a reason to be merry or bright. And yet, they know when they are entitled to a gift and have not received one. They will make you pay for not giving them the attention and the goods that are rightfully theirs. It’s best you go ahead and wrap them up a damn present.
What they want: The total annihilation of anything resting on flat surfaces.
What they need: Not a single thing. You have provided them comfort beyond their wildest dreams. Every feathered stick, yarn ball, and cat tree is theirs. You spend the majority of your paycheck on them. Seriously, what could they possibly want?
What to get them: A heat lamp. Trust me on this.
You’re so close. You are so damn close to finishing your holiday shopping. Following this guide will make it happen. This year will be different. Your gifts will make everyone love you. Except for your cat. It loves no one.