What is it? Maybe smallpox? Scurvy? Cholera? Typhoid? Rabies? Malaria? Rocky Mountain spotted fever? Something has gone awry and we need to identify it. Is it something in your innards? Like your digestive tract? Or maybe your nervous system? But also maybe your respiratory system? Or is your defect more of a character one? Its origin somewhere in that area of the brain that controls behavior or emotional functioning or just general consciousness. What is it? What is your malady? Is it even a malady? Or is it more sinister? I bet it’s more sinister. I bet it’s more of a syndrome. Or even an affliction. I’m not judging you I just want to figure out what the fuck is wrong with you.

Is it your pancreas? Are you a drug mule? Did a condom filled with Angel Dust rupture in your pancreas? Your gallbladder? Your esophagus? That’s it isn’t it? Your esophagus is experiencing spasms again, isn’t it? You have a spastic esophagus. No? Then what the fuck is it? Your pharynx? Your spleen? Did your spleen rupture? On ER, Clooney always ordered a CBC chem 7 with an IV push for all his patients. Do you need a CBC chem 7 with an IV push? What about a defibrillator? Did you eat moldy cheese or moldy turkey or moldy bread? Once, my sister and I were water skiing with my uncle and he set us down on the dock and he plopped my sister down right on top of a Portuguese Man o’ War and it wrapped itself about my sister’s leg and stung her repeatedly. Did that happen? Is there a Portuguese Man o’ War wrapped about your leg?

Have you been to Chernobyl recently? Did you ingest radioactive material? Or swim in a radioactive stream? Did you take a guided tour of Chernobyl and when the tour guide wasn’t looking surreptitiously enter the exclusion zone? I heard they have radioactive wolves there. Did you get bit by a radioactive wolf? What the fuck is it? Did you get stung by a Chernobyl bee? Bitten by a Chernobyl rodent of some kind?

Are you in some sort of fugue state from just having witnessed a strange happening in the woods? What was it? A ghost? This one time at work this guy got his arm caught in a vending machine trying to retrieve a Snickers bar and lost some sensation in his arm. Is that what is wrong with you? Did you get your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to retrieve a Snickers bar? Maybe it was a bag of Cheetos? Maybe you got the bag of Cheetos and instead of eating them you crushed them up and snorted them all? Are you high on Cheeto?

That’s not it? Then what the fuck is it? I bet it’s your respiratory system. I bet you did inhale Cheeto and now your lungs are all fucked up. Or there’s a penny stuck in your nose. Then again, when was the last time you really took a good hard look at your nervous system? I bet the sensory receptors in several of your sensory organs are fizzling out. Or have already fizzled. Are your synapses impaired? I bet your ganglia are askew and the synapses are misfiring. I’ve always suspected that you have subaverage ganglia. That must be it. Right? Close? I must be close because whatever the fuck is wrong with you is rather fucking pervasive and has affected all your nerves. It’s likely some combination of your cerebellum and your pituitary gland. I bet the one is miscommunicating with the other.

You know what happened to my friend’s sister once? She went to a strip club for a bachelorette party and a crab jumped out of one of the dancer’s nether regions and attached itself to her cornea. Is that what is wrong with you? Do you have corneal crabs? What could it be if not corneal crabs? Look at me. Oh fuck that’s a crab in your eye. Never mind. It’s just your pupil.

Perhaps your issues are best examined outside the realm of pathology. Maybe this is just the way you are? Are you just a fucking moron? Is this more of an intellectual glitch? Some mental disorder? Does it involve a fluctuating level of consciousness like delirium? Or dementia? When was the last time you read the DSM-5? You’re sort of a narcissist. And you’re antisocial. And you’ve been exhibiting some excessive emotionality lately. How about we throw the DSM-5 up in the air and you put your nasty finger on any disorder on the page to which the DSM-5 opens when it lands? And that is what we assume is wrong with you? Cool?

But there’s something else isn’t there? You have something beyond anything the DSM-5 could contemplate. Look at your skin. Your entire epidermis is sort of fucked up. Does it always look like that? Might that be the early signs of leprosy? The bubonic plague? Or were you born like that? You were born like that weren’t you? Have you ever rubbed lotion on yourself? This kid I knew in high school got part of his thumb cut off by the slicer while working at the deli counter of the grocery store in our town. Has that ever happened to you?

There is something really fucking the matter with you. I want to know what it is. Which is why I asked. Is it simpler than all this? There are so many ailments to which someone of your ilk might be susceptible. Is it gas? Hiccups? Hives? Are you just an idiot? Do you have a bug? Aches? How have you survived life this long being like this? Why are you like this? Why do you look like that? Why do you do the things you do? Is your MAGA hat on too tight? What the fuck is wrong with you?

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