Good evening and welcome to TRIVIA TUESDAY! We’re gonna get started here in just a few minutes. I notice we’ve got some new folks over at Table 5! Always great to see some fresh faces—just so you’re up to speed, make sure you remember our #1 house rule!

Tonight, if you have dedicated your life to anything other than archaic information, you’re gonna have a rough time. The happier you are, the more friends you have, and the more activities you enjoy, the more lost and confused you’re going to be. So let’s just level-set expectations here: you’re about to feel dumb—really dumb—but you’ve already won the ultimate prize: the ability to leave this bar and enjoy a dignified existence. And that’s so much more than any of our regular “winners” can ever hope for.

With that in mind, let’s go over the other rules of the road!

We’ll be writing answers on pen and paper tonight. We’re old school here—draw five columns, and write the numbers 1 to 10 next to each one. And for the new crew who looks like you’ve gotten plenty of sun lately, that’ll probably be the most writing you end up doing this evening. While everyone else is scribbling down the seven countries that start with “U,” you’ll be too busy reminiscing about the fact that you’ve actually traveled the world instead of staying up until 3 AM every night doing Sporcle quizzes.

Listen carefully between each category. We’ll be playing songs that double as clues for later in the game. So when you hear “Let’s Dance” by David Bowie, try to think about how it could relate back to 19th century U.S. history, and not about the time you heard it playing on a Costa Rican beach while watching the sunrise with your then-fiancée, now wife.

Do not ask to hear the clue again. To keep the game moving, clues will only be read out loud one time. That means if you plan on sharing adorable anecdotes about how your daughter calls her grandpa “bam-pa”—wait until after the final trivia round. In general, you should avoid disruptive distractions like bonding with your teammates over the course of the game.

Teams of more than four players are not allowed. So if you’ve enjoyed a rich, full life where you’ve accumulated dozens of friends who would be down to play trivia on any given night, just know that bringing along more than three of those folks will get you disqualified. It’s probably in your best interest to start alienating the “casuals” in your life. A good way to start might be to call them “casuals.”

Do not yell out the answer. We know this sounds minor, but it can ruin the experience for the other players—most of whom desperately need this night to go perfectly because they don’t have anything meaningful like their daughter’s bassoon recital or an intramural pickleball tournament going on this week.

No phones allowed. We’ll be relying on the honor system for this one. But honestly, we’d know if you were cheating. You’ve been far too busy exercising regularly and getting a full night’s sleep to know which Albanian city eats the most Nerds Rope per capita.

The host has the final say. Should a dispute arise over accepted answers, remember that the host will render the ultimate verdict. Of course, if you haven’t connected your self-worth to whether you can list the marsupials native to the Amazon, you probably won’t be disputing in the first place.

Don’t forget the bonus round! If we come to a category that you feel particularly confident about, you can use your bonus chip to double the points you receive for that round. Be careful though—you might think you know stuff about Friends, but you probably don’t know a whole lot about Planet Homebuddies, the Chinese adaptation of the show that ran for six episodes in 2013. But again: take comfort in knowing how bad your life would have to be for you to know about that.

Tonight’s prize is a $100 gift card to this miserable establishment. It’s just as well that any contented person has no shot at winning this, since you’ll probably be too busy taking a cooking class or wakeboarding to set foot in here ever again.

And finally: have fun!