Welcome to our World Cup party! I hope you’re ready for some football!

Oh, I’m sorry, do you call it “soccer”? That’s cute. In this house we call soccer “football,” and we call football “American football” because we are real World Cup fans.

We love football, as you may remember from our last World Cup party in 2014 when Germany was the winner. Who is playing in the World Cup this year, you ask? All the regular good teams in football. You know, Germany, Italy, France, America, um Brazil, probably?

We love football.

See that banner over there that says “Goooooooooal?” It’s one of our most prized possessions. We had a hard time finding it in the attic, though, we really had to dig through our Hillary campaign signs and our old iPhone 5s. But we’ve definitely used it since last World Cup. Just like we’ve kept track of all of these teams and players. Is Zidane on the French team again this year or did they kick him off for that headbutting incident?

We are so excited to watch Team USA’s first game. What’s that you say? Oh, wow, we must have somehow missed that qualifier. That’s unusual for us because we’re usually very up to date with the current soccer news. I’m sorry, football. That must have just slipped out.

Did you know they are called “boots,” not cleats? Ha! Have you been saying cleats? That’s embarrassing.

Sammy, are your boots ready for football practice in the morning? Ha! It’s so funny when he pretends not to know what we’re talking about. Here, Sammy, go grab some orange slices and play FIFA 18 like you always do before I have to tell you that you can’t have another poster of David Beckham! You have enough! Going into his room is like walking into a football pitch! That means “field” if you’re confused. But don’t go in there because sometimes when guests come over he quickly redecorates with NBA posters and a bedspread of Tom Brady.

Do you hear that low hum coming from the TV? Is there something wrong with the sound? I’ll try to adjust it. Vuvuzela? I’m sorry, I’m not a tech person, I spend most of my time watching football, do you know how to adjust the vuvuzela setting on this TV?

Anyway, one thing you need to know about football is you aren’t allowed to use your hands. Ever! Unless you’re the keeper. That’s the proper term for goalkeepers, which I know from all the soccer we watch and not from memorizing the Quidditch positions in Harry Potter. Sorry, football! What’s wrong with me, today!?

Wow, what a game. Offsides! Offsides! What’s offsides? Well, it’s a complicated penalty, you probably wouldn’t understand it. Just trust me, that was definitely offsides. See that guy who kicked the ball but it wasn’t his turn to kick the ball? That was offsides.

See that guy who crossed over to the other side of the field without yelling a teammates full name and astrological sign? That was also offsides. See that fan who has the right half of their face painted green instead of the left? That’s offsides, too.

Well, let’s do this again sometime. Why wait another four years? We could always get together for a game in town with our home team…the…no I’m just Googling the schedule to see when we can go, I know that our team is called the…DC Unitards.

That’s what I said, The DC Uniteds. I’m their biggest fan. Let’s all do a “goal!”