“[Sara] Nelson reported that the FAA had logged 4,284 unruly passenger reports since January. At this rate, she continued, 2021 was poised to produce a higher passenger misconduct incident count ‘than the entire history of commercial aviation.’”
— “‘Nobody ever put hands on me before': flight attendants on the air rage epidemic”, The Guardian
Welcome to the friendly skies! Now buckle up, wear a mask, or we'll duct tape you to your seat and punch you in the face.
I’m Diane, your chief flight attendant, and were you expecting me to be nicer? Maybe hand you a complimentary mini bottle of wine to calm your nerves instead of using it as a small billy club to enforce our mask policy? Well, all that shit has changed since I can’t go to work anymore without getting my teeth knocked out or being screamed at by entitled man-children that our basic human behavior expectations are “exactly like Nazi Germany.” So listen up and shove that oversized carry-on into the overhead compartment, or I’ll throw you in the cargo hold!
Today’s flight is totally packed, and our updated safety measures are in place to prevent you from going viral. Yes, we’re talking about the coronavirus, but we also want to prevent you from being filmed when we shut your ass down for trying to start a slapping match with us after we politely remind you that “the mask goes above the nose and below the chin,” or after we tell you that we’re tired of listening to your story about being shadowbanned, or after we say that we won’t distribute your Q leaflets to other passengers. Whatever your personal weird fucking deal is, it won’t end well for you, so best not try to start it with us.
To help deal with our current work situation and some of you shitheads, a bunch of us spent our own money to get trained in Krav Maga. FYI, “Krav Maga” is “lethal martial arts” for the guy I see in 27D wearing The Punisher t-shirt who’s poked a giant hole in his mask. So if you're wondering if we could selectively knock you out for being an asshole and lock you in the lavatory for the entire flight, WE ARE VENGEANCE!
Please fasten your seat belts while the “fasten seat belt” sign is illuminated. This is the simplest, easiest rule we have and it’s the most effective in keeping you safe. However, since we know that some of you find even the most simple safety measures difficult (ahem MASKS ahem), we’re enforcing Lord of the Flies rules. The first rule is: if you use your seat or buckle as a weapon, we get to use them, and we’ve been practicing with them in our Krav Maga classes!
Also, please check your tickets to make sure you’re in the right seat. Our flight crew has randomly seated small children who can’t stop kicking the seat in front of them directly behind anyone who made a complaint about wearing a mask at check-in. To those adults, we promise not to offend your anti-mask beliefs with a drop-down oxygen mask, so we’ve disabled those specifically for you. To those kids, check under your seats for baseball cleats in your size and Fun Dip to keep you energized.
We will soon be taking off. All exits are clearly marked, and in an emergency, you can use one to get away from the woman sitting next to you who is convinced that the pandemic is a hoax. Before resorting to that, we suggest buying a pair of $10 headphones to ignore her invitation to be Facebook friends so she can “show you the real news,” or so you can strangle her. We’re good with either. In fact, quality-wise, the headphones are probably better for strangling!
Customers not wearing a mask will not be provided a life vest should we be stranded in the ocean as we consider drowning in the middle of the Atlantic a comorbidity.
Before we depart, the crew will conduct one final cabin check. For the love of god, please just buckle up and act like you did back in 2018 when you sat there and read the latest entry in Bill O'Reilly's Killing series.
It’s almost time for take-off. So please, sit back, relax, and put on your fucking mask. Remember, man wasn't born to fly, so don't test us.
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