We are the feet you’ve seen pictured in every single generic photo that accompanies a catchy tagline intended to get you to click on the humor article. There we are, four feet peeking out of the down blanket at the foot of the bed, intimating that our other body parts are currently engaged in some very exciting and necessarily hidden sexual activity.

You’ve seen us countless times across the various humor sites. We are your visual tour guides for the entirety of the humor piece that follows. We understand that in lieu of being able to blatantly come out with a risqué photo of some other body parts embroiled in heated activity, we are all you get to indicate that some straight banging is going on off-photo; all with the intention of enhancing your upcoming comedic experience. This responsibility was bestowed upon us by impressive foot genes and a stock image photographer and it is one we take very seriously before all our photo shoots.

We are nearly flawless. That stock photographer searched endlessly to find us. He examined and discarded thousands of gangly feet; analyzed thousands of toes to find the perfect shape; did test-market research; etc., etc.

The burden we bear is enormous. If our foot placement is off even slightly, your mind might go from thinking, “oh yeah, this article must be hilarious because the feet make the bodies look like they’re 40-something’s, doing it mission style,” to “Dear God, he cannot possibly access the required entry point from that angle and I therefore must forego this humor article and head over to a porn site to satisfy my deviant thirst for crooked pretzel sex.”

For the record, we have nothing against crooked pretzel sex. In fact, we oftentimes find ourselves in the position to engage in it. Hours upon hours of lying in beds with other attractive feet can do that. However, we must remain professional and understand that the humor writer is counting on us to bring the audience to them, not send them to shagdaddy.com or to the en suite restroom with a tissue in hand.

We are not naive feet. It’s a foregone conclusion that some individuals with a foot fetish will find their way over to the article and, rather than come in for laughs, well, they’ll come in for something far more disturbing. The whack jobs who get excited even when they can’t tell the gender of the feet involved are out there, among us.

I must state unequivocally that WE ARE NOT PORN, NOR DO WE HAVE ANY INTENTION OF EVER BEING PORN. We cannot stress this point enough. Any masturbation that results from a generic photo of feet on a humor website, given how readily available actual porn sites are these days, is a sad reflection on just how tarnished your sex lives have become.

Despite all of the dangers in our jobs, we love it. We represent the writers and not the smut at the forefront of some of the readers’ minds. Our goal is for their words to make you laugh. If we aren’t provocative enough, you won’t click the article. If we are too provocative, you’ll need to clean off your computer monitor prematurely. This is the burden we bear for the humor writing community, and it is one we take very seriously.