Dear Valued Customers —
We sincerely regret to inform you that we are discontinuing our popular Sure-fit® tagless organic cotton briefs with the comfort waistband. Supply chain issues and the evolving global undergarment landscape have required us to focus on our budget Terra® and Jagged® lines, and we’re excited to introduce our new line of unisex briefs, Whispers®.
We are still fully committed to producing quality undergarments at an unbeatable price point. For example, our full line of Terra® products, including boxers, boxer-briefs, briefs, bikini briefs, thongs, brassieres, pajamas, slips, camisoles, corsets, garter belts, and socks, is now made of cost-saving, eco-friendly burlap, with ties and closures of jute twine. We took a big risk going all-in on burlap, but we believe our customers will happily endure moderate discomfort in the name of saving their precious Mother Earth.
We’ve made significant improvements to our Jagged® briefs. As always, they feature double-thick, double-strong elastic at the waist and groin for a tourniquet-like fit that’s really going to test your fortitude. The stitching is 100% nylon monofilament fishing line for unsurpassed durability and discomfort. New for 2022, the elastic edges are lightly serrated so that every movement, no matter how slight, produces excruciating agony. Also new for 2022, the oversized tag has been moved from the customary location at the back of the waist to the gusset so that it constantly irritates your genitals.
If our Terra® and Jagged® products sound a little rough for your delicate parts, you might love Whispers®, our new line of paper-thin briefs that gives new meaning to the word “unmentionables.” Made of a special wood pulp/papyrus/shredded wheat blend originally developed by DARPA as an edible toilet paper for US Air Force pilots, Whispers® are specially designed to provide our trademark value and comfort while maintaining an almost total lack of durability.
We asked our dedicated team of underwear scientists to design special packaging to help Whispers® maintain their shape during transit, and the vacuum-sealed clamshell they developed marks a quantum leap in cutting-edge underwear technology. Once out of the package, Whispers® begin to break down almost immediately. If they don’t disintegrate to the point of unusability within an hour of touching your buns, we’ll refund your money.
We sincerely apologize for discontinuing our Sure-fit® briefs. Retail outlets may still have some on the shelves, and we will be auctioning off our remaining stock to the highest bidder on eBay.
We do hope that you’ll give our less comfortable options a try. You can use them to practice patience, build pain tolerance, and mortify your flesh as a constant reminder of suffering across the world.
Trish Samples, Co-Associate VP for Product Discontinuation and Recall, Tons of Buns Inc.
P.S. Look for these upcoming products currently in market testing:
Oops, All Tag!® — We took whatever infernal material clothing tags are made of and made an entire undergarment out of it. Then we took it to the next level and sewed multiple tags into all of the seams for an unmistakable feel.
Private Dicks® — Our cheeky tribute to some of the world’s favorite fictional detectives such as Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Sam Spade, Philip Marlowe, Miss Marple, and Nancy Drew.
Chill-out® Boxers — Combines the breeziness of boxer shorts with replaceable cooling gel inserts, one centered on each buttock. Perfect for longboard meetings or fireworks shows on the levy.
Defenders® — For the discriminating firearms enthusiast, this 100% Kevlar undergarment features a removable quick-draw holster and a bottle opener. Comes in tasteful green camo, pink camo, Mossy Oak, and hunter green. We recommend pairing them with our Chill-out® Boxers to prevent permanent sterility.