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We currently are looking for a new purchaser to help stock our stores. Hours are 9-5 Monday through Friday, and salary is dependent on experience. Requirements and desired qualifications are listed below:
- Either a degree from a four-year university, or an equivalent amount of experience.
- A working knowledge of different purchasing systems.
- A familiarity of how many mattresses we will actually need.
- You need to understand that we can buy too many mattresses.
- I cannot stress this enough. We are in a town of 2,500 people and our goal is NOT to provide a mattress for every individual as well as their pets.
- Seriously, I cannot keep having these sales on every real and made-up holiday, because the last guy just bought a bajillion mattresses and we had no idea what to do with them.
- I mean who has ever celebrated President’s Day by buying a mattress? Do you even know when President’s Day is? Cause I didn’t until I had to come up with some way to dump this extra inventory. And Flag Day? Is that even real or did I come up with that in a fever dream? Every time we need to tack on a sale to a new holiday I have to give marketing a raise as they scramble to figure out how to spin the connection between mattresses and obscure holidays.
- People think that the walls lined with mattresses is just a cool decorative idea. It’s actually because I don’t have any more room in my basement to store these mattresses.
- Did you know that we used to be called Mattress Depot? I was forced to change our name when our marketing department wanted something that was a little more accurate to what we actually were, so now we’re Millions o’ Mattresses.
- Our accountant and legal team were concerned about lawsuits of deceptive marketing practices concerning our new name until they saw how many mattresses we have in the store.
- If you’re the person who packs seven pairs of underwear for an overnight trip “just in case,” don’t bother applying for this job.
- If you’re a grandma who keeps feeding her grandkids when they say they are full, don’t bother applying for this job.
- If anyone has ever told you “oh, you shouldn’t have” and yet you still did because you couldn’t take a hint and didn’t realize you were doing too much, don’t bother applying for this job.
- I need to hear you say out loud that you understand that a mattress does not expire. Our last guy kept quoting some made-up “three-month sell-by date” which is why he said he bought so many.
- Preference will be given to candidates who can come up with creative ways to get rid of our current inventory, like selling a bunch of them to the mother of a prince who wants to see if her son’s suitor will have a restless night if she sleeps on a pea under 20 mattresses.
- I honestly should have known the last hire wasn’t going to work, especially after he said he previously worked at that car dealership that always was having deals because they needed to clear out inventory. I thought it was just a stupid marketing gimmick but it turns out that Steve was an idiot who just bought way too much of everything (yeah that’s his real name, screw you Steve).
- Must be a team player and have a positive attitude.
- Must provide references upon request.
If you think you would be a good fit for this job, please click on the link below to be taken to our applicant hiring system. A cover letter is required for consideration.