After many productive negotiations, we’re proud to announce some changes to the Henchman Workplace Health and Benefits Plan. As your union representatives, we strive to provide each villainous henchman with the highest level of healthcare and workplace benefits that match the exceedingly productive and dangerous work you perform.
We’ve won a historic expansion in the Henchman health plan. We’ve added more in-network providers, including more shady late-night doctors in abandoned warehouses providing midnight bullet wound surgeries. The employee “Friendly Fire” coverage has increased to include the many instances of heroes taking control of a Henchman’s submachine gun to shoot other Henchman wandering aimlessly in the vicinity.
Those of you who opted into our Gold Plus-tier plan now have copay-free pharmaceuticals to treat any gases or poisons accidentally released from the many easily accessible air vents lining your placement of employment.
Medical procedures to cure illnesses from breathing the fumes of your employer’s volcanic evil lair are no longer classified as “elective surgeries.”
We have also heard your concerns regarding the handling of exotic and deadly animals and want you to know your union has your back one hundred percent. Specifically regarding the large python in your employer’s human trophy room, workers are only to handle it during nine-to-five business hours. Any requests outside those hours are subject to time and a half pay. Any requests outside those hours are subject to time and a half pay. At that point it becomes a python for finance.
Full-time Henchman are encouraged to apply for Clean Commuter benefits if you travel via public transit to the secluded island lair of your dastardly employer. Reimbursement up to 75% of your travel costs applies. Applications can be found with Lorraine in Administration.
All employees can partake in the new “Evil is KIND” partnership and enjoy unlimited access to KIND Bars in all Henchman breakrooms. Keep an eye out for Salted Macadamia and Almond.
We know you’re all tired of the bland, grey helmeted uniforms given to all disposable Henchmen. After some back-and-forth, we’re proud to say you can customize your uniforms with up to 3 pieces of personalized swag. These include name tags (with your real name, not Henchman #7), stickers, or fun accent pieces (can someone say maroon ascot?)
Of course, this does mean we had to compromise on certain issues. Workers compensation no longer covers falls, kicks, or throws off rickety catwalks suspended above vats of bubbling goo and/or acid. These are now considered “in the normal course of business.” You may, however, use Paid Sick Days to recover from the full-body burns.
All employee break rooms have been replaced with those wide-open rooms with a tiny computer and very big monitor at the end of them. This was deemed necessary by management. As a compromise, extended benching will be provided in some of the empty corridors you’re forced to patrol on 12-hour loops.
I know this was considered a “sticking point” by many of you, but the current company rules on workplace fighting are still in place. Henchmen may only attack heroes one at a time in an orderly fashion while the others wait in a circle. When the previous Henchman has been rendered unconscious, the next available Henchman may approach to be beaten to a pulp. These rules have been in place for many nefarious organizations worldwide and continue to be policy here.
At this point we still could not convince management to offer life insurance.
For further questions, please reach out to Human Resources, located in Sector Six of the subterranean weapons facility. If you reach the Sector Seven interstellar space ray, you’ve gone too far.