Oversized men’s button-up shirts

Before you start criticizing my fashion choices, please know that I’m fully aware that you buy me “appropriate” clothes that “fit” and are from “Gap.” But fashion is meant to be a statement, Mom. And maybe the statement I’m trying to make is that “gender” is a social construct. Or maybe I just liked the bright yellow rubber ducks printed on this bold and fun shirt I found in Grandma’s attic. Plus, it’s not like Grandpa can still wear it.

Jeans with a rip in the left butt cheek

I’m going to stop you right there, because I know for a fact that you grew up in the '60s during Woodstock and the Summer of Love and all that stuff. Do I know what was happening in your hometown of Madison, Connecticut during that time? No clue, but I guarantee you were wearing equally—if not more so—scandalous items of clothing to your brother’s graduation.

A bucket hat I found at a yard sale last Saturday

The beauty of it is that it’s unexpected. Bucket hats are random, daring, and technically not against your strict parenting rules. Plus, I only paid $10 for it and at least six of those dollars I earned.

Dad’s old tennis sneakers (three sizes too big)

You dated him in college when he wore these sneakers and you seemed to like them just fine back then. Anyways, it really ties the look with the rubber ducky shirt together, don’t you think?

My 3rd grade ballet leotard that I’m wearing as a tank top

We clearly have different definitions of “fit,” and honestly that’s okay. As I’m demonstrating, it can in fact fit onto my body. And I can even raise my arms up this much, see?

A jacket that I cropped to cover just shy of my exposed midriff

It’s actually really warm outside today so I’m pretty confident I won’t be cold. Also, I don’t want to be a “stickler” here, but you did say I needed “layers” to leave the house and this is a layer. Anyways, it’s not like me catching a cold is going to affect you whatsoever. You work from home, remember?

My ironic Hooters tee-shirt

Quite frankly, I don’t care if you find it offensive, Mother. That’s because you just don’t understand the irony of the whole thing. It’s a joke. Also I didn’t pack anything else. Would you rather I go on the admissions tour without a shirt?

Aunt Kathy’s Christmas-themed vest (it’s July)

No, I get that we’re Jewish but what I don’t get is why I can’t wear this to temple. It’s kind of cute, right? Before you say anything, let me give you a spin. Vests are totally in these days. It’s very Demi Moore circa Ghost, don’t you think? She was the one who was in that, right?

A bathing suit

Okay, this one you have to agree with me on—I ran out of clean underwear. What did you expect me to do? My own laundry? Please, let’s be reasonable here.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.