Hey, pal, I’m so excited to catch up with you over Zoom! It’s been too long, and I can’t wait to hear how things have been going for you this past year. To start off with, though—I saw on Instagram that you got the vaccine! That’s so amazing, congratulations! I’m not eligible for it yet, and before we talk about anything else I’d like to brag about exactly why that is and also how okay with it I am.

First of all, I’m so lucky and grateful to be in a very low-risk category—I’m 30 years old and in perfect health. I mean look at me: I’m six feet tall, I’ve got a perfectly symmetrical face, piercing green eyes, and thick, dark hair. I’m in the best shape of my life for crying out loud! I’ve got a six-pack like you wouldn’t believe and hands that are strong but somehow also soft. Does that seem like someone who needs the vaccine right now? I don’t think so.

Plus, I know that I have no family history of any diseases whatsoever because I just asked my grandparents—all of them are still alive and I have a great personal relationship with each of them. I check in on them every day, so I guess you could say my only pre-existing condition might be caring too much.

But in all seriousness, bud, how are you holding up these days? Oh hang on, I see you’re unmuting yourself to talk and I’d love to hear about how it’s been taking care of two kids under five without childcare for a full year, but first let me just add this about the whole vaccination thing:

I don’t mind waiting my turn in line for the vaccine at all. After all, my fans have always waited their turn in line when they come to my book signings, even though those book signings are always jam-packed—did I tell you my most recent novel was an instant #1 New York Times bestseller? It was.

By the way, amigo, I think your wife would LOVE my new book. Man, I bet it’s been crazy for her this year, being an ICU nurse and all. How is she? Actually, close your mouth, because before you utter a single word, I gotta say:

I’m so in awe of our essential workers. I firmly believe that the vaccine should go first to our front-line fighters, because they’re the real heroes, no matter what Former President Barack Obama said about me when he gave me the Presidential Medal of Freedom for my tireless work to protect our planet’s ecosystems by single-handedly saving all the bees. I mean, I love my volunteer work (so great to have projects right now just to stay sane, am I right?) but it’s all remote—I just don’t need the vaccine right now like they do!

Also — and one second, bro, I know you just typed in the chat that you have to leave in two minutes because your son needs the computer for remote kindergarten—there are just so many people more vulnerable than me who need to be vaccinated.

Case in point: we need to protect our seniors. I mean the only thing I’m “senior” at is my law firm, where I’m the youngest person in our firm’s storied 212-year history to be made senior partner. That’s right, I made partner!

At first, it was difficult balancing my law practice with my writing and my volunteering, but after the first two days of lockdown I really found my stride and now I’ve been incredibly productive on every front for a full year! In fact, my most recent novel was an instant #1 New York Times bestseller. Did I tell you that already? I can’t remember.

Anyway, all that to say: I’m not eligible for the vaccine yet, but that’s totally okay by me because I’m incredibly healthy, I work remotely, and I care deeply about other people.

And speaking of other people…how are you?

Actually, sorry compadre, I know you’ve got a minute left but I just realized I have to jump off at this exact instant to get to my virtual piano recital. Did I mention I took up piano? I'm very good at it!

At any rate, let’s do this again soon—it was so great catching up with you.