So, you've decided you want to be a comedian? This manual will prepare for the sad archetypes that you will encounter. Hopefully, you will not transform into one of these.

The Snob

This comic thinks he is better than you, George Carlin, and even Jesus. He won't laugh at your jokes or anyone else, because he sees himself as above laughter. If he gave you a stifled grunt, then that's an unprecedented phenomenon and you killed it.

The Drunk

This dude wandered into here by complete accident and he doesn't even know his own name. Not only does he reek of booze and like he avoids showers, but he will also boorishly shout random phrases out during sets. He might break out into a chorus of Papa Roach's “Last Resort” unless security (do we have security here?) kicks him out. If he didn't attack you, then you killed it.

The Denialist

This comic mistakes open mic nights for therapy. He will likely cry on stage about how his father left him at a young age and disguise his pain as a comedic act, where he screams “Why?” like Tommy Wisseau. Unfortunately, we (including the drunk) know how he really feels, wish him the best, and would rather he not waste stage time. If his tears didn't land on you, then you killed it.

The Bigot

This so-called comic barely disguises their misogyny, racism, homophobia, or other discriminatory beliefs through thinly veiled comedy. He might crack a joke about how Hitler was right or how the Holocaust never happened, but they aren't really jokes. If you endlessly heckled this man, you killed it.

The Musician

This Jason Mraz-wannabe accidentally thought this open mic was for music, but ended up in a crappy cafe full of comedians and stuck it out for some reason. When his name is called up, he will play “Wonderwall” and one person in the audience will sing along. He will also take up seven minutes of stage time or ten if he plays “Hey Jude” with the “nah-nah-nahs” that never end. If you didn't know the lyrics to “Wonderwall,” then you killed it.

The Patron

These former coffee shop drinkers accidentally became a comedy audience, when they thought they were going to get coffee and work on some emails, but stumbled into a full blown amateur comedy show. If they stop emailing to watch you for five seconds, then you killed it.

The Shouter

This comedian with anger-management problems will see the coffee shop patrons working on their laptops and scream at them for attention. He thinks this is funny. Likely, his screams will scare the minimal audience away, so when you perform your set, there is no one there. If you avoided eye contact with this madman, you killed it.

The Server

This coffee shop employee always dreads this weekly open mic night. As difficult as landing on the moon, he must ensure that every comedian pays a five dollar minimum to the venue. If they don't at least purchase a mocha latte or a kombucha, then he will ban them. Do not make him hunt you down like the bounty hunter that he is, or he won't put your name on the list. If you were a decent human being and paid, then you killed it.

The Host

This crappy comic-turned host really likes to hear himself talk a lot. Since he is the unchallenged host, expect everyone to receive five minutes on stage and for him to perform fifteen. Do not complain. Do not burn bridges. You are new to comedy and although he is definitely not as talented as he thinks he is, you need him to like you so he will call your name up. If you managed to choke back your allergy to his awful cringe comedy, you killed it.

Your Mother

She is there to support you as a struggling comic. She is your number one and only fan. Even though she drove an hour through rush hour traffic on the freeway, it is worth it for her to you perform. You killed it no matter what, because lucky for you, she supports you unconditionally.

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