Hi everyone. I’m Skyla’s best friend and maid of honor. The real honor, of course, has been being able to stand by your side today as you said “I do” to the love of your life. So many moments are truly once-in-a-lifetime, like getting married, having kids, and eventually succumbing to an untimely death. Today, I take my own vow to stand with you through all of them.

When I first sat down to write this speech, I really struggled to come up with the right words to accurately capture Skyla and Keesh. So, I Googled, “How to write a maid of honor speech” and I clicked “I’m feeling lucky” because I really was! Until earlier today when I witnessed a murder most gruesome hours before the ceremony. It rocked me to my core, but I tucked this memory into the contours of my perfectly defined cheekbones, for love is nothing if not patient.

First I want to talk about Skyla. We have been best friends since we were four years old and I could not imagine doing life without you. From not knowing what our first periods were, to teenage summers spent half-heartedly lifeguarding at the swim club, to rocking it together in high school right across the street where, incidentally, earlier this afternoon I saw an unidentified man meet his life’s untimely finish line right on the same athletic track where we competed as teens.

Then, there’s The Keesh. You are so good to my girl. I knew you were the one for Skyla when you first hit on her in the Sig Pi basement and ultimately respected her wishes not to dirty grind to Barbra Streisand by Duck Sauce. You proved your love throughout the years by writing her poems that I never fully understood, but she keeps in a scrapbook by her bed. You have always been the life of the party, not unlike the life I watched drain from that poor man’s soul just across the street earlier today as a result of what looked like brain bashing with the very type of hammer I saw listed on your registry.

To the both of you. Your love inspires me. You complete each other, and somehow, that completes me. I’ve never met two people who I truly believe will love each other ‘til death do them part. And, hopefully, death does not do you part as a result of a random homicide in broad daylight where the body is then dragged into the woods at the hands of the murderer himself, who seemed completely remorseless and almost excited by the transgression that was just committed.

So, will everyone please join me in raising their glass and toasting to the new Mr. and Mrs. Jackson-Colin-Powell. You two are perfect together, and I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever. Cheers!

Now I’d like to invite the groom’s Uncle Ferdie up here to offer a special blessing to the newlyweds. Uncle Ferdie, would you please—oh my god that’s him! He’s the murderer!