“I like getting up when it’s still dark to get on my side hustle: stealing hubcaps off cars, then trying to resell them later that day to the original owners at vastly inflated prices. It’s not the most profitable venture. In fact, so far court and medical costs have dwarfed any sales I’ve made. But what can I say? I love being an entrepreneur and pursuing new revenue streams!” Lindsay, wakes up at 5:30 AM.

“Rise and grind, baby! And by that, I mean use an angle grinder to try and remove my court-mandated tracking bracelet. Then I can escape and do what I love most in the world: impersonating a town councilor and telling people that, by order of the local council, they now have to live in the sewers down by the creek.” Mike, wakes up a 6:00 AM.

“As an entrepreneur, morning is really a chance to start hustling and think of new business ideas. Unfortunately, I don’t believe in drinking caffeine, so I’m still mostly asleep while brainstorming. This means that everything’s just half-thoughts written in my Notes app. Stuff like, ‘Make Spotify but for cars' and ‘Trick Mr. T into starting a business together.'” Simon, wakes up at 5:45 AM.

“By listening to Elon Musk’s audiobooks. I downloaded a copy off a torrent site to save money #grindersmindset. But it means the audio is terrible quality and random chapters are in German. But I still think I get the gist of what he’s saying.” Nelson, wakes up a 6:59 AM.

“Getting a morning kick-start is essential to putting you ahead of the rat-racers. That’s why I wake by taking too many off-brand imported Modafinils, beginning to hallucinate and scratching what I believe to be the face of God onto the kitchen table. My wife hates me for it, but that’s the cost of getting ahead!” Mike, awakens up a 6:00 AM.

“The first thing I do when I wake up is jump under a cold shower. Not because it makes me tougher. It’s because I don’t have hot water. I don’t believe in paying for electricity. In fact, I don’t believe in paying for anything that you can’t see. Why would I shell out good money for something that I can’t hold in my hands?” Pauline, wakes up at 6:30 AM.

“I disrobe and quietly meditate in a dark room. While doing so, I reach a new plane of intelligence, experience ego death, and exist as a divine being of infinite compassion with a connection to all living things. Then I shower and go to my job as a junior marketing coordinator for a regional vacuum cleaner company.” Natasha, wakes up a 6:15 AM.

“Being up 90 minutes before my family gives me the time I need to tinker with the time machine that I’m building in the garage. My mission: sneak into the 1999 X-Games and break Tony Hawk’s legs, preventing him from performing the world’s first 900 and rising to fame. Why? Because a man that I’m 73% sure was him once left me a 27-cent tip on a $142 meal when I worked as a waitress.” Marcy, gets up at 4:30 AM.

“I’m pretty sure my wife has been poisoning my meals for several months. The only way I can be sure that my food is safe is by eating before she gets up. So each morning, I sneak out of the bedroom and quietly make and devour an entire deep-dish pizza. That gives me the sustenance for the whole day, and my wife is none the wiser. It’s a win-win.” Wayne, gets up at 5:30 AM.

“A great way to build mental resilience is to start the day with the hardest thing on your to-do list. For me, that means imagining I have to fight a super-smart chimpanzee that has a knife and thinks I killed its parents. I spend hours plotting my every move. I analyse weak points. I plan counterattacks. I kick its face in until it’s a bunch of mush. The whole process is intense and terrifying. But I have to be prepared.” Jason, gets up at 6:00 am.


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