Thanksgiving is almost upon us, and we Children of the Corn would like to thank Uncle Sam for providing our community with the means to cultivate our corn utopia. We live in the great State of Nebraska, also known as the Cornhusker State, one of the top recipients of corn subsidies. Before our family farm got approved for Corn Aid, our livelihood entirely depended on appeasing He Who Walks Behind the Rows. Believe us when we say we did not want to kill all of the adults and the dissenting children, but we had to do it to ensure a good crop yield and continue our way of life, which is super corn-based.
Thanks to the protection afforded by the Farm Bill, we can look after our community without having to do all the murderous bidding of He Who Walks Behind the Rows. What an abusive, mind-controlling relationship! The subsidies opened our husk-stuffed eyes to an astonishing revelation—He Who Walks Behind the Rows was but an imaginary deity we fever-dreamed into existence to make sense of our rapture for Corn! The money helped us realize that we can love Corn without being so superstitious about it—who knew? This wonderful insurance program substitutes our need for sacrifices. We still murder adults (ages 23 and up now) in keeping with our moniker, but we’re happy to announce that the crime rate has gone way down!
With the time we have to kill now that our hands aren’t so tied up with actual killing, some of us have taken up new hobbies and enterprises. Our chief corn chemist, Susanna, has figured out the formula for the highest fructose corn syrup. Praise be! It’s the most concentrated sweetener yet! Little mason jars of this decadent syrup quickly sold out at September’s Harvest Moon County Fair in Grand Island. The corn husk dolls and corncob crucifixes crafted by our dexterous artists were also a hit! Abigail, our marketing specialist, came up with this sign for our booth: “Handcrafted with Love by the Orphaned Artisans of Gatlin, Nebraska.”
At the end of September, Barnabas and Rebekah proposed turning a couple of our cornfields into haunted corn mazes. The transformation of these fields was fan-spooking-tastic, and the turnout on All Hallow’s Eve was beyond belief! During the frightfest, we slaughtered all the adults and gave the children the option of joining our cult—I MEAN, CULTURE—I MEAN community before killing all those who opposed, and we are pleased not many did, recognizing straightaway that we are a children-friendly organization. Now, we know what you’re thinking, Boy, that’s going to spike up your crime rate… and you’re right. Forgive us! Old habits die hard. Some things are not always in our control. It is the way of the Corn.
Speaking of corn, what an amazing, versatile crop. We erected a huge bonfire with dry corn stalks and set it a-blazing with pure corn ethanol to take care of the bodies that piled up after the Halloween festivities. 100% renewable corn ethanol is our fuel of choice because it is 100% renewable and 100% corn.
As a token of our appreciation for your continued support, we’re sending each of you a jar of the sweetest corn syrup on the market, along with my recipe for Glorious Golden Sweet Cornbread. Need a bird for the Big Day? Our big, beefy birds are corn-fattened to feed a family gathering of 20, with leftovers! If you're expecting a more intimate crowd or you think you’re swanky, we also have cornish hens and guinea fowls, raised on only premium organic corn feed.
We are so grateful that members of the U.S. Congress uphold Corn as much as we do! Corn is perfect. Corn reigns supreme. Corn is the cornerstone of the economy. Without corn, everything crumbles. Cornucopia of subsidies for Corn! Sweet corn! And flint corn! Dent corn! Red white and blue corn! Creamed corn! Corn! Let there be corn! Forever and ever and ever as far as the eye can see.
LISTEN, do you hear? The corn is softly murmuring. It is pleased.