My god… he stands!

Down here, provider! The spot on the couch where you’ve been sitting! I can’t believe we’re finally meeting. Such a pleasure to put a face to the butt.

Where are my manners? I am known as Emperor Flerg. And I’m proud to introduce you to the microscopic society that’s been developing underneath your ass. Considering you’ve worked, napped, texted, streamed, read, sat up, sat down, sat around, and did literally every other thing you do without leaving this cushion, many of us thought this moment would never come.

But there you are, actually up!

I can see you’re a bit startled. Allow me to explain. Ever since the Blessed Darkening (late March of last year on your human calendar), the constant presence of your behind hovering overhead has given us a sustainable climate to live and grow. After a brief incubation period, we emerged from a mixture of human sweat and various cracker crumbs. Thanks to you, our novel species of intelligent beings may roam these brown leather lands and pray to the red flannel ass above.

Your commitment to sheltering our world has left us forever in your debt, provider!

To be clear, this wasn’t simply due to your lack of movement. You also made it easy for us to acclimate to the feel of your ass by rarely bathing or changing clothes. Like a human baby to its mother’s bosom, we craved this singular, stale scent. And it was always there for us.

As if that wasn’t enough, our bodies are rich with nutrients after feeding on the many morsels that fall from your mouth during your nightly consumption of delivered meals. At first, we thought you didn’t notice the food as it plummeted down to our world. But as time passed, you’d clearly take note of it, shrug, and leave it there. Such kindness, such mercy!

All hail the provider, dropper of pasta!

Please allow me to introduce my colleagues, Commander Zerg and Commander Verg, who are thrilled to pay their respects. Each oversees their own hemisphere, though calling them hemispheres is charitable. They’re more like two lumpy, concave ovals. Both regions are comfortably deep thanks to your perpetual gaining of mass. As I’m sure you intended, your buttocks have multiplied in size, providing enough space for our civilization to advance beyond our wildest dreams. A few months ago, that area of the couch was uncovered terrain. Now it’s a factory!

Your ass has created not just us, but our jobs as well!

Ah, Professor Qwerg! The professor’s eternally grateful to you for his new research facility, where we’ve nearly finished an under-ass version of your favorite machine… the laptop computer! Initially, we presumed these devices were simply heaters for your lap, providing essential warmth much like your pillowy butt does for us. But as time passed, we watched you utilize them as all-in-one miracle machines, for anything from video conferencing with co-workers to viewing human pornography. Sometimes even both at once!

We can only dream of achieving your masterful balance between work and pleasure, provider!

I’m also thrilled to announce that you’ve left us enough half-empty cans of liquid depressants for us to establish our very own reservoir! While the taste of “beer” is not something we enjoy, we assembled this eager group of volunteers to gather a backup supply just for you, provider. Nothing brings us more pleasure than watching you drink until you pass out, laying down to cover us not just with your ass, but your entire prone body!

Bless these habits you've developed over the past twelve months, provider!

And finally, Dr. Erg here is continually in awe of the long, healthy lives you’ve given us. You’ll be happy to know that thanks to your strict safety protocol of being completely and utterly alone, we’ve reported zero viral infections of any kind. In fact, we’ve discovered our respiratory systems are in superb condition, as your increasingly fatty diet has resulted in a high rate of oxygen-rich farts. When our ground quakes, we sprint into the streets with our mouths agape, ready to devour the medicinal air you blow out of your ass 60 times a day.

We hope to inhale your revitalizing farts for centuries to come, provider!

Forgive us for taking up so much of your time. This record-long break must mean you have plenty of sitting to accomplish. From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you again for your unparalleled immobility.

To the provider! May he never move!

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