Did you know that accident-related injuries account for over twenty million hospital visits on an annual basis? That’s right. Twenty million visits every single year. While many of these mishaps occur within our respective cars, offices, and supermarkets, a grand majority of them take place somewhere far less expected: in the home. And unfortunately, this isn’t just any home we’re talking about…. No. These accidents all happen in the same home. The home.

My home.

Consider the statistics: approximately 77% of all accidents happen in the home. And annually, home injuries cost Americans over $220 BILLION in medical costs. What the heck is going on here? Are these accidents simultaneously happening in millions of individual American homes? That would be a pretty insane coincidence, don’t you think? For every single US home to be equally unsafe at the same exact time?

When I bought this house a few years ago, I was told that these design flaws were all perfectly harmless.

No, when studies suggest that “the home is one of the most dangerous, deadly, terrifyingly high-risk places on Earth,” they’re clearly referring to one specific home: the home. My shoddily-constructed, claustrophobic death-mansion located in the very northmost outskirts of Burlington, Vermont.

That place is a tomb.

Think about it. Where would you even get hurt in a regular home? The stairs? Even babies can use stairs. No, it would have to be a home that was built with so many inexplicable design flaws and intricate, detestable boobytraps that you couldn’t escape having an accident. Like, for example, my nightmare of a death-home that has wounded oh so many innocent, innocent people. When I bought this house a few years ago, I was told that these design flaws were all perfectly harmless. But I guess my realtor was a dirty liar, because here are just a few of my home’s many, horrible features:

  • Slip-n-slide basement.
  • Fireroom: the room of fire.
  • Door knobs that have been covered in glass shards and no matter how often you powerwash these door knobs, glass shards just keep appearing as if by magic. Or by curse.
  • The pit.
  • A library where every book has been filled with bees that refuse to die.
  • Mirror maze attic filled with knives and loudspeakers that constantly play the sound of a child’s laughter.
  • Carbon monoxide detectors that beep when there isn’t carbon monoxide and, full disclosure, they only beep like, once a month.

With so many shoddy features in such a small Vermont manor, is it any wonder that my home (the home) causes so many gosh darned calamities?

However, it’s not just these extensive design flaws that make my house such a grade A accident-factory. It’s the fact that so many people keep attending my lavish, opulent, but severely misguided theme parties–parties that, in my mind, were supposed to be perfectly harmless.

For example, just last Thursday I was entertaining over 50,000 guests at my bi-weekly “Salute to Bear Traps,” which was meant to be just a fun, casual, and accident-free celebration of the weapons used to hunt and ensnare live bears. But, unfortunately, with so many guests, so many rusty bear traps, and so many live bears (to test the effectiveness of the bear traps) in such a small yet haphazardly constructed North Vermont manor house… let’s just say that people got a few boo-boos.

And, even worse, I still had twenty more equally-attended, equally-misguided parties that day alone, including:

  • “The Celebration Of Things That Would Normally Be Looked At Through Goggles”
  • “Exposed Wire-fest”
  • “The Midnight Soiree Where Guests Must Trick Me Into Believing That They’re Licensed Sword-Swallowers”
  • “The Grand Gala of Holograms That Look Like Stairs But They are Not Stairs, They are the Pit”

These parties were supposed to be wholesome and fun, not filled with thousands upon thousands of household accidents… Talk about having an egg on my face.

Undeniably, accidents are a natural part of life. At some point, all of us will suffer from an unexpected mishap. Already, who among us hasn’t gotten whiplash after a minor fender bender? Or stubbed a toe while at the supermarket? Or opened a bible to pray, only to realize that the Bible has been filled with bees that breed faster than they could ever die off? Accidents are an unavoidable evil. Especially at home. But, with constant vigilance and adequate preventative measures we can all work together to make the home just a little bit safer.

On a lighter, unrelated note, I’m having another one of my grand soirees this Thursday… if you’re in the Burlington area, I’d be simply delighted if you could attend!