These are my demands:
- I want to sleep on your couch naked.
- I want to drink all your beer and puke in your laundry basket.
- I want to cut holes in your family photos and have sex with them.
- I want you to upgrade your cable so I can watch the premium channels.
- I want to kill myself in your bathtub with a hair dryer and hide a note blaming you.
- I want to cook and eat one of your pets.
- I want to burn all your pants in the middle of the floor while you're sleeping.
- I want you to hold me and tell me that the demons will go away.
- I want to pelt you with soup cans while you pretend to be my father.
- I want a dollar.
- I want bubble gum ice cream with sprinkles.
- I want an oil painting of myself over your mantelpiece.
- I want you to write me a poem in a language you do not speak.
- I want you to remove one of your kidneys with a pen knife and give it to me as a present.
- I want a pair of underwear from every teacher you ever had, starting with kindergarten.
- I want a tiger with wheels for feet.
- I want a dashboard statue of Jesus carved out of crack cocaine.
- I want you to explain quantum physics to me in the form of an illustrated rhyming children's book.
- I want you to give me a tattoo of a Picasso painting on my chest.
- I want you to move out of your house and let me have it.
I AM THE NEGATIVE ONE PERCENT.
COPERNICUS THUNDERBIRD, HOMELESS LUNATIC WIZARD