1. Contracted writer agrees to name their first-born son “Skip Intro.”
2. Contracted writer agrees to provide their own pencils.
3. Platform studio agrees to provide all dry-erase markers.
4. “Skip” will be required to stream content from his parent’s employer’s platform at all times on at least two (2) devices, until the age of nine (9).
4.a. In the event that Skip runs away from home prior to age nine (9) (and therefore misses out on contractual streaming time), a platform executive is allowed to perform a “choose between owners experiment” to see who Skip loves more.
4.a.1 Experiment will be held in an old-fashioned courtroom or over a city bridge.
4.a.2 Spectator background artists will be hired through Central Casting.
4.a.3 Executives are not allowed to hold any newspapers or subliminal streaming content to secretly entice Skip to run to their side.
1. Contracted writer promises to never illegally pirate a television show or movie.
1.a. Non-compliance will result in forfeiture of Skip to the platform studio immediately following the completion of Article 12-4 (i.e. on the night of his ninth (9) birthday).
1.b. Upon arriving to collect Skip following non-compliance, contracted writer will have one (1) opportunity to win Skip back (see Article 23-1).
2. All contracted writers agree to verbally and casually mention to their friends that password sharing is “cringe.”
3. Snacks provided by platform studios will never be store-brand.
3.a. Trader Joe's exempt.
1. Platform executives are required to provide one (1) of following methods for contracted writer to maintain custody of Skip:
A) Allowing contracted writer to guess the pun-based name of executive’s college improv troupe.
B) Asking of three (3) riddles relating to NBC’s The Office (questions may be selected from Seasons 2-7 only).
C) Forcing contracted writer to contact old romantic partners to make sure they are not still mooching off the streaming account.
1.a. In the event that contracted writer fails one of the tasks, platform executive is allowed to offer further chances for dramatic effect.
1.b. Should executive be galivanting and/or frolicking around a fire in the woods on the evening prior to the final trial for custody of Skip, contracted writer is not allowed to eavesdrop on any explanatory songs sung therein.
1.c. If contracted writer is able to win custody of Skip, executive is allowed to make an ominous reference to “this” not “being over yet,” and contracted writer promises that the executive’s words will be satisfactorily “marked.”
1. If an executive pitches an objectively good idea to contracted writer, and contracted writer says, “Oh, uh, yeah maybe that could work,” then contracted writer must incorporate said good idea.
2. Contracted writer will have access to relevant streaming data (views, completion percentage, etc) (see Article 33-1).
3. Skip will receive Pavlovian training to salivate at the sound of the “Netflix Original” theme.
1. Streaming data may be accessed (only by Skip) via the following dungeon crawl method:
1.a. A trail of snack crumbs through the woods. Trail will occasionally fork, one branch containing name brand, the other containing store brand. (Store brand leads to spike pit [let’s see if they really are “so obviously worse”].)
1.b. Name brand trail will lead to an old cottage house. Skip must listen to a lecture written by ChatGPT in the style of Aaron Sorkin.
1.b.1 Lecture will be about how Capitalism isn’t a problem at all. Why would a company want to provide a nice service indefinitely when instead they could get a big IPO for the simple tradeoff of having to increase profits perpetually until the end of time?
1.b.2 Lecture will be delivered by Sarah Snook.
1.c. Following lecture Skip will be ushered into basement caverns.
1.d. Instead of a flashlight, Skip will only be allowed to use his phone while streaming Ozark Season 2 as a light source.
1.e. Relevant streaming data for contracted writer will be transmitted onto the cave wall continuously via morse code a-la Stranger Things Christmas lights.
1.e.1. Don’t worry that Skip might walk in halfway through the transition. That’s not how movies work.
1. Contract may be voided at any and time if contracted writer uses a VPN.
1. Let’s pause there. Subs for lunch anyone? How do we turn the voice-to-text off? God I can’t wait to start putting commercials on all the platforms.