It's that time of year again when the Discovery Channel airs its weeklong programming dedicated to the world's most formidable animal. The specter that haunts so many recreators and puts fear into their hearts. No, not Canada geese, which I'm sure you're thinking. For some reason, it's sharks.
As a Canada geese collective, we find this unacceptable. How many people actually have shark attack stories? Hardly anyone. How many people have been intimidated by our ominous goose honk? Pretty much everyone.
So where is our week?
Sure, when people are out in the ocean, they're more apt to run into a shark. However, if they're minding their own business in city parks across the nation, they have every reason to steer clear of the throngs of geese ready to unleash hell. Going for a jog? Good luck finishing your route without slipping on our green droppings littering the place like Legos in a seven-year-old's room. Are you a three-year-old trying to eat a sandwich? You'd better be able to eat that sandwich on the run, because we're coming for you. Going for a romantic walk by the lake? We hope your idea of romance is sprinting away from an infuriated bird that doesn't like the way you looked at it.
Some people say that sharks take nibbles to satisfy their curiosity. Rest assured, we're coming to bite you because we want to bite you. The only thing we're curious about is how your blood and that of your small children tastes. Shark attack survivors may lose limbs, which we can't really accomplish due to our small stature and lack of razor-sharp teeth. You may keep your legs and arms after we've shaken you down, but your confidence and sense of safety will never be the same. You'll wake up in cold sweats after hearing our honk ringing out in all your dreams.
During Shark Week, programming will show people being lowered into the water in cages to observe sharks. If there were appropriate scuba gear for geese, we wouldn't need that cage. We'd go right after those sharks like we go after a stressed-out college student just trying to study by the pond. Unless she's studying how to get the hell off of our lawn, we're not interested. As we'd come propelling toward the sharks with scuba masks highlighting our hate-filled eyes, they'd speed off and try to blend in with a pod of dolphins just to escape the terror. That wouldn't work, though. Like our bloodlust stops at adorable aquatic mammals. We'll slap some dolphins, too. We don't care.
You'll hear people praise sharks for being such majestic creatures, even people who have been attacked by them. Poor sharks need their egos stroked. We know people don't like us. It doesn't bother us. Our motto is “Honk if you don't give a crap what people think of you.” And then we'll strategically aim our crap just to drive the point home. We're not here to make friends. We're not here to be majestic. We're here to remind you that this is a goose's world. You just live in it. And we're not too happy that you do.
Sharks may get all the attention for being so intimidating and fearsome. However, those fishy wusses are definitely second banana to the real terrors of the animal kingdom: Canada geese. Discovery needs to get its act together or we'll chase all their producers while they try to take a lunch break outside, too.