To whom it may concern,
I assume you may know me as a co-worker, a fellow desk jockey, account wrangler, meeting attendee, or break room meanderer; but you more than likely don't know me as a friend.
I don't have many of those.
I don't know why.
The purpose of this email is not to propagate my loneliness, but rather to assuage it. Attached is a link to my Kickstarter, the title being “Help Me Have Friends.” I was advised to make it simple and succinct; no beating around the proverbial bush.
The goal of my Kickstarter is to accrue enough money to purchase a full-sized hot tub and have it installed in my studio apartment so I can bring in a flock of new friends. So many friends, heck, I won't even know what to do with them all!
The AquaRest AP-600 has a number of features ideal to the wants and needs of me and my four very close friends (one might call them brothers). I need $4,300 for the AquaRest AP-600 5-Person 81-Jet Spa, the particular hot tub that I've set my very determined sights on. I've chosen the 5-person hot tub as I imagine that being the ideal number of confidants I would want to juggle in my life, no more and no less. Four, coincidentally enough, is the same number of friends that actor Vinny Chase has in the HBO television program Entourage. I imagine he needn't buy a hot tub to attract those friends, and there's something to be said about friendship birthed by circumstance, but I digress.
The AquaRest AP-600 has a number of features ideal to the wants and needs of me and my four very close friends (one might call them brothers): the product has 19 hydrotherapy jets placed strategically around the perimeter of its roto-molded uni-body shell—which I've been told is virtually indestructible—with the advantage that after a long day of playing touch football, grilling up various meats, or going to big time movie premieres, me and my “brothers” can retreat to the hot tub for a little rest and relaxation. According to AquaRest's website, the “therapeutic lumbar arch support alleviates achy backs,” an advantageous feature if one of my brothers happens to have issues with his back. This could be life changing for him.
If you don't happen to have PayPal or don't feel comfortable giving the Kickstarter website your credit card information, I will be accepting cash or check donations in the break room every day at noon. If you can't find me in the break room, just swing by my desk. We can talk about recent sports events, music artists we both like, or maybe just “shoot the breeze” and talk about a co-worker for whom we hold mutual disdain. All in good fun, as I will reserve my best conversations for my brothers! A group that you all will, more than likely, never be privy to join.
As the nature of “crowdfunding” events goes, there are a number of rewards if you were to make a donation, and they are as follows:
Pledge $10 or more
You may spend an evening with me and my newfound brothers. We will determine a rotation so that you can be included in the festivities within my AquaRest AP-600, as the six of us can't all fit in it at the same time.
Pledge $20 or more
You may spend an afternoon with me and my newfound brothers as we watch football games and complain about our wives or girlfriends. Casual snacks such as my famous three-cheese dip, buffalo wings from a local pizza joint, or a vegetable platter will be provided. You are encouraged to bring your own alcohol to drink. We end the day with a nice, relaxing soak in my AquaRest AP-600.
Pledge $50 or more
We can get tickets to that big sports game on Saturday; it will be just you, me, and my brothers! We'll drink beer and make jabs at the size of the opposing sports team's genitalia. We can even paint letters on our chest and attempt to be featured on the large screen above the field, what fun! Worried about your chest being emblazoned with the name of a sports team? Well, you can wash off the paint in my AquaRest AP-600 when we get home!
Pledge $250 or more
We will all go to a big time movie premiere in Hollywood! The movie will be determined by my agent brother Ari Gold and my manager brother, whom we affectionately call “E.” My brother brother, Johnny Drama, will more than likely find himself involved in shenanigans with my driver brother, Turtle. We will end the night with a couple of smoking hot babes, relaxing inside my AquaRest AP-600!
I just want to make a note that although I'll be extremely grateful for your gratitude, donating to this campaign by no means grants you the privilege of being in my group of brothers, nor does it grant access to the AquaRest AP-600. Get your own AquaRest AP-600 you leech.
Thank you and happy donating!