Humor writing published daily. Featured: Best of Year | Editors’ Picks | People’s Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
Feelings of guilt and shame will give you the boost you need to keep on crunching. Your core will thank you!
The “Seat Yourself” sign in a totally empty restaurant, so I stood awkwardly at the host stand for 15 minutes.
Q: What’s keeping gators from the kids? A: Nothing! Your kids can get up close and personal with our alligators.
11:45 PM: Really starting to get worried. 12:12 AM: Are you mad at us? 1:37 AM: Did you block us?
Remember: if our competitors are not fined out of existence, then your friends and neighbors died for nothing.
Now every time I walk, they thump a loafer on a piece of linoleum. I mean dammit, their timing is perfect but you know I’m sensitive about my gait.
Clapping along: You’re confident. Some would say overconfident. Holding up a lighter: You have a peace sign bumper sticker on your car.
The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov was really into Partying: A robot must not harsh the vibe, or by inaction, allow the vibe to be harshed.
HIRING: One male and one female of every animal. Please submit a cover letter explaining why you are the most qualified/fertile of your species.
Please do not straddle the beast unless you have experience wielding crotch rockets of NASA caliber.
I don’t want my future to go up in smoke. Sam is always watching. I don’t want to risk my chances of getting into a good college. Or my standing with Sam.
Although, if I’m honest, Amanda has horrible email etiquette. One time she shared her screen during a meeting and I saw 12,000 unread emails.