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There are only four types of people who drink Gatorade. Half are douchebags, half are athletes, and the rest are just really, really fucking thirsty.
Yeah, you—the girl whose picture is plastered all over my yearbook. Just because you’re dead. What makes you think you're so special?
With the Poverty Diet you can lose weight in one simple step: Be poor! The rest takes care of itself! Don't worry, you'll get used to the malnourishment.
If you tell someone that you dropped a phone in the toilet, they invariably have but one question: 'Was it clean, or….you know?'
Six million dollars for saving the President of Nigeria. For weeks I would be responsible for the life of a man I might never meet. Was I ready for that kind of responsibility?
Dear Parents: As the school year ends, we are excited to update you on your child’s progress at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
I have a confession to make: I, too, slept with Tiger Woods. What are we up to now, 13 mistresses? Is anyone counting anymore?
Step one: Initiate distant, longing stares. Steps two-four: engage in legally gray-area activities designed to win her over semi-forcefully.
I worked a different 9 to 5, PM to AM. I was the night maintenance guy at the Yogurt Palace, and I had the whole Palace to myself. For those 9 hours, I was king.
Where I come from back in the Northeast there is a chain of amazing little sub shops called Wawa. Explaining what it is can be a difficult conversation.
Some call it the yellow fruit. Some call it the holy friend of ham. Most call it cheese; and all love it, apart from Nazis and terrorists.
I bet Billy Mays could do a lot more than sell useless crap to dumb people. Can you imagine having him as your wingman at the bar? I can.