For the last two months, I've felt somewhat ill. This is incredibly hard for me because prior to this college semester I never got sick. Now I've got stomach flu, mono, SARS. I need a mouth mask thing. Something like that. I am home for now. This has carried over and it sucks. I am convinced that it's swine flu, but it may just be some virus or whatever's floating around.

I've been doing a profuse amount of nocturnal vomiting. I'm glad that it is nocturnal; I cannot be disturbed when I'm vomiting. Any form of disturbance while puking causes the stomach to hesitate and keep all that puke inside you. Thankfully, nobody is on my floor at night.

Factor in all of the sweating that comes with periodic fevers, and sonic diarrhea that is impossible to hide, and you get a very dehydrated human being. If this cycle kept going for too long there would be a California raisin level of shrinking going on here. Like an old man using a walker with generic tennis balls on the bottom, or maybe even Keith Richards.

I thought this emergency out clearly out and realized that I only had two options for getting rehydrated: go to the hospital for an IV, or drink Gatorade. There's nothing satisfying about the hospital. You don't even get to drink the fluid. The obvious choice was Gatorade. I've always marveled at this stuff, as there are no real flavors, just colors. Transcends all that bullshit.

Glacier Freeze GatoradeAs I poured my first championed, icy glass of Glacier Freeze, I realized just how magnificent Gatorade is. For looking just like antifreeze, it has a lot going for it. I felt slightly better after one glass. Great after two. And I threw up after three. In that moment of post-vomit clarity, I made (possibly) the most important (and trivial) discovery of my (almost) adult life: there are only four types of people who drink Gatorade. These four types of people can be spread demographically to represent more or less the entire American population.

1. "Sports Dudes," or Douchebag Athletes

The drink was historically made my medical researchers looking for the ultimate thirst quencher for the Florida Gators football team in 1965. These are the same guys in junior high and high school who were so important that even though they placed fifth in sectionals—while the scholastic bowl team won state—got their own assembly. Face it, football is more important. These are the guys that in gym glass when you were passing them nonchalantly on the soccer field you stopped and realized how huge their dicks were and how much testosterone was ripping through them. This fact undoubtedly leads to them getting laid. These are also the guys who, even when they hit puberty, don't get any chest hair or acne. They can be seen wearing Gatorade-sponsored t-shirts from various events.

2. Non-Douchebag Athletes

I have no qualms with these people, except that they are in better shape than me, and generally happier. You see them running all over town, but only on streets with no sidewalk; so, in the street. Regardless, you have to make an effort not to hit them because you still don't hate them. These are the people who were at one point sort of average, but once they get beyond the fear of being seen while running, they become madmen. They are still getting laid more than me, when I don't have weed.

3. People Who Half-Ass the Fitness Thing (30-60% of American Adults)

When the first Ab-Glide thing came out, my mom bought it. She also bought Ab-Glide II, Ab Max, and Abs for Life. We have four machines in our basement that cost more than my Christmas presents each, and they are currently collecting dust. And my mom doesn't have abs. Fitness trends come out when some person endorses the new fitness product on infomercials that come on night before the dick enlargers and Girls Gone Wild vids and after the robot vacuum cleaners. They have reached their target audience: people that will also buy sports drinks with their overpriced machinery because it feels necessary and they are up that late because they cannot decide whether or not to exercise before bed.

4. People Who are Just Really, Really Fucking Thirsty

Like myself, for example, when I was feeling sickly. I am actually drinking a Riptide Rush right now. Fun fact, Gatorade is manufactured by the Quaker Oats Company. I will probably also be drinking one with dinner.

I was Wikipedia'ing the Ab-Glide after writing that last one to make sure I had my facts straight. Then I went to the Gatorade page. Gatorade changed all the flavor names recently. Original Gatorade is now called Gatorade G. There are names like No Excuses, Shine On, Be Tough, and Focus. This explains the demographics.

My mom just came by the desk and placed a stick of Right Guard Professional Strength right by my glass of Gatorade. This means I move from number four to number two, I think. Which means I will get more action at school next fall.

I have been having been having an ongoing text conversation with one of my friends from college. I'll call him Pepper. Pepper responded to the question, When was the last time you drank Gatorade? with, Who are you, my fucking shrink, brah? He then went on about how I shouldn't judge him because I have too many Sonic Youth albums on my iTunes that I know suck. We agreed to disagree and made plans to mix some Canadian whiskey with the purple Gatorade sooner or later. Don't knock it ‘til you've tried it.