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As I sit on my couch watching an Armenian family dressed in cheetah print argue, I think to myself, "What does it take to keep up with the Kardashians?"
Your spidey-sense is a tingling, and that means adventure. Coincidentally, the tingling sensation is greatest where the black widow bit you five minutes ago.
Robots will soon be able to make mincemeat out of you. Think the Terminator was badass? That pussy couldn't even time travel and terminate his own illegitimate child.
You're going to live with a nutcase someday, and in order to preserve your sanity, you're going to need some elite training tips in order to survive this experience.
Some of us are partial tools, some of us fade in and out of toolism, and some of us are just full-blown tools. Take a look in the mirror sometimes and tell yourself: "Don't be that guy."
Today, you have the opportunity to make a difference in somebody's life. While Peter's harrowing 17-story fall may seem too much to bear, your inbox can turn things around.
Bumping into an ex you haven't seen or spoken to for ages is one of those embarrassing moments that happens to both sexes. And it's always worse if the ex is with their new partner.
As your Drain Commissioner, I believe what this city needs more than adequately functioning drains, or streets free of the raw sewage presently covering them, is a 2000-foot tall windmill.
These days women feel justified in being dishonest and manipulative for the sake of squeezing the most out of the men fawning over them.
Films that seemed great when we were kids, chowing down Fruit Loops or trying to masturbate in privacy, can seem less than stellar when watched through cruel adult eyes.
When I first stepped foot onto my college campus I had one goal in mind: to bang every single chick I could. So I took a lot of notes on the methods of other guys.
If you think about it, Mexican delivery makes the most sense: you're already in loose-fitting clothing and you're already near your favorite bathroom.