We'll all face the hard times of living with a crazy roommate at some point in our lives. Maybe it's somebody who gets on your nerves, or somebody with ridiculous habits. It might even be somebody loud, who speaks in a Mickey Mouse voice constantly and screams at every single game on television no matter the sport. That's who I live with. It's quite an experience, you know, waking up every day, peering over at that same psychotic person sleeping in nothing but a leopard-print thong and rain boots.

Every night while your roommate is sleeping you must put a hateful sticky note on their forehead.And while that may seem like an extreme example of a crazy roommate, there is a high likelihood you've lived with, or will someday live with a nutcase. I use the term “nutcase” loosely because I am in no way implying that you'll actually get stuck with someone who smears feces on the walls and talks to spirits. But I mean, if you didn't shit the wall and forget to clean up the Ouija party, who did?

Regardless of the craziness level, you will have to be prepared to live and put up with this jabroni. Every little thing about them is going to irritate you to the fullest level. The mere sight of them is going put you in the mood for a murderous rampage. You are going to need some elite training tips in order to survive this living experience… and you're probably curious where you can get these tips fast enough to avoid sacrificing this afternoon's masturbation session, right? Well, since I'm here I guess I'll enlighten you sorry bunch of horny amateurs.

Tip 1: Show Them Who's Boss

You don't want to constantly deal with this person's bullshit. You have to intimidate them and give the idea that you're not tolerating it. Buy a gun. Don't use it. Don't even waste your money on bullets. When your hipster, artsy roommate whips out his kazoo, pull that handgun out of your desk drawer and fucking point it at his forehead! Mutter something like, “That's the end of this nonsense, pansy boy!” The gun will show him you mean business and the phrase “pansy boy” will give the impression that you're a badass old dude who fought in ‘Nam.

Tip 2: Develop a Friendship

Woman hugging a mannequin
If you have trouble warming up to weirdos, practice on a mannequin first.
Befriending this weirdo is essential. In the event that they drive you over the edge, forcing you to brutally murder them with a chainsaw, it will be much better for you to be perceived as their friend. Nobody ever suspects a close friend as the murderer. If Corey Matthews was sexually abused and murdered, do you think anybody would even CONSIDER Sean Hunter as a suspect? NO! Even though we all know Sean unleashed his inner affections through brute force after the tapings.

Tip 3: Vandalize Their Property

Crazy Carrie is gettin' on your last nerve. You want revenge, but you also want a good laugh. Why not destroy and defile all of their possessions? That stupid 98 Degrees poster needs to go anyway. Urinate on it! Spray some canola cooking oil on their pillow! Take the wheels off their swivel chair and replace them with hamsters! That's my favorite. Your roommate will either notice before sitting down and freak out, or sit down and kill them. Nothing says, “Don't test me, I'm fucking crazier than you” like providing your roommate the unknowing gall to carry out a four-hamster execution. They'll probably feel so awful they'll drop out! Sweet, pansy boy!

Tip 4: Write Them Hate Notes in Their Sleep (MOST IMPORTANT!!)

Crazy roommate killer while other roommate sleeps
In your room, sleep is a privilege, not a right.

You're going to want to keep this one in mind, folks. Every night while your roommate (that disgrace to humanity) is sleeping you must put a hateful sticky note on their forehead. What you write should vary based on your roommate's ethnicity. Try something like, “You embody white guilt,” or “There are enough Chinese in the world without you,” or “Black people are the worst.” Make sure to be unsarcastically mean enough to truly get the message across.

Now you are fully prepared to live with a crazy person. Keep these tips in mind and you will definitely make this person a pleasure to live with, or at least break them to the point of submission. And you will definitely NOT get arrested. In fact you'll probably be really cool. You might even be the talk of the town. Either way, you'll keep that nutjob's shenanigans to a minimum. You're welcome.