Back in early 2007 America was a more peaceful place, untouched by the 2008 recession or the Kardashian plague. Ahhh, the simpler days when our only competitors were the whitebread picket-fencers known as the Joneses. Now, as I sit on my couch watching an Armenian family dressed in cheetah print argue amongst themselves, I think to myself, "What does it take to keep up with the Kardashians?"
1. Expose yourself for a profit.
Make a sex tape with a one-hit wonder rapper, pose naked for Playboy, or wear a see-through blouse on The Today Show. After successfully placing your family on the map, your mother will become your cheerleader pimp, supporting all of your sexual endeavors. (Bonus points if you claim you're too "shy" to dance on stage at a Prince concert, yet have no problem engaging in fellatio on camera.)
2. Forget how to spell.
"Don't hate us for who we are, hate us for who we never were." Completely disregard the letter "C" in favor of the more prestigious "K." "Collection" becomes "kollection." "Color" becomes "kolor." And "class," well you don't have to worry about that one because it's not in the Kardashian vocabulary. I guess it's only fitting seeing as though half of the klan didn't attend kollege. What's that, Baby Mason? Elmo told you that today's letter is "C"? Fuck off, Elmo.
3. Marry some B-list professional athlete.
Kris Humphries is no Kobe Bryant and Lamar Odom isn't exactly the Michael Jordan of his era, but marrying one of them means you get to find true love get paid $15 million to showcase your train-wreck wedding on TV. Purchase not one, not two, but three elaborate dresses in none other than the ironically pure shade of white. Walk down the aisle in front of an audience that smiles and applauds, secretly remembering the time they watched Ray J pee on you.
(Make sure to quickly divorce, but only after honeymooning in Italy and using all of the expensive wedding gifts. Most importantly, keep the $2 million rock as a souvenir from your 72-day publicity stunt.)
4. Conquer every region of the USA.
Inhabit Southern California. Take New York. Take Miami. Take America's dignity. Pretty much mimic the movie Contagion, infecting everyone in your path with your high-pitched voices and obnoxious endorsement deals.
5. Make a fool out of yourself on Dancing with the Stars.
When all else fails, shake what your gold-digging mother gave you on live TV with the rest of the talentless "stars." Just make sure to bombard your clueless Twitter followers with pleas to vote for you.
6. Whore out your lineage.
When even Botox and facelifts can't hide the worry from the fact that your empire will soon be yesterday's news, just think about the reason you decided to reproduce in the first place: to make a profit. Do whatever you can to stay on the front page of the tabloids. Sell out your teenage daughters, unborn grandchildren, dogs, fish, hamsters. Just remember, nobody puts Kardashian in the korner.