« Back to “Don't Be THAT GUY, Part 1”

If you were to ever translate the rules of the game "Punch Buggy" to "Tool Spotting," you'd probably have a lot of dudes walking around with bruised arms. The concentration would probably be highest in areas around urban clubs and suburban lacrosse fields. Tools are all around us, and most of us are tools to a certain extent. Some of us are partial tools, some of us fade in and out of toolism, and some of us—well maybe more than some—are just full-blown tools. Of course, a full-blown tool never thinks he's a full-blown tool, since this is a subjective affliction (although he may even ironically wear graphic tees labeled "Affliction").

Regardless of the symptoms, tendencies, and telltale signs, be an honorable dude and take some time once in a while to look in the mirror and tell yourself, "Don't be that guy."

8. The Puppy Parader

Tonight you are "club hopping." Forget the detailed description of this scenario, don't go "club hopping." You just brought home a puppy, and to be quite honest, the damn thing is adorable. He's a little black lab, his ears flop over every once in a while, and he tilts his head to the side whenever he hears an interesting sound. But in your eyes, he's a product—an ass magnet to be specific. And your plan is to have this product deliver. Because of your toolish scheme, this poor little pup will end up walking hundreds of miles through local parks before he hits six months old. His belly is going to get rubbed more than a genie lamp, and he might develop a bald spot from all of the head patting. You've even taken him out on a leash in the bar district at 2am on a few Saturdays. All in the name of cooch. Poor little pooch. Don't be that guy.?

7. The BMW "Badass"

You just leased a new BMW. It's a four door coupe. It's sleek, and it's fast. But for some reason, this car entitles you to change lanes without signaling, ride the bumper of anyone in front of you, and basically be a dick in any situation that offers the opportunity to be an asshole. You roll up to your buddy Quincy's (yeah, you now have a friend named Quincy) and you ask him if he "wants to ride in your beemer." Don't be that guy.

6. The Overtly Obnoxious Tool

You like this. You like that. You commented and liked both of those. Those last three sentences mean that you're either at a strip club, a buffet table, or on Facebook. Either way, it's time to take a step back, gather yourself, and try to be a lot less obnoxious. Don't prowl your newsfeed like a stalker constantly wondering where his ex-girlfriend is wall posting. Don't be the loud-mouthed dirt bag walking around with a "fat roll" of dollar bills at the strip club. Don't tell people how much of this mediocre buffet spread you're going to devour, don't use words like smash, crush, or devour to describe mastication. And most importantly… Don't be that guy.

5. The Lacrosse Bro

You roll over, crudely wipe your eyes with the base of your palms, and see that your alarm clock reads "11:30 AM." You immediately jolt out of bed. You're late for lacrosse practice. You quickly put on a ratty sleeveless shirt, toss your equipment into your bag, and grab your sticks. You start to head downstairs, but then realize you don't have any product in your hair. You rush back up, load hair gel into your hair and then run back down and pop the lift gate to your Toyota Rav 4. You shut the lift gate loudly, hop in the driver's seat, and head out of your cul-de-sac at about 40 mph, leaving your neighbors wondering what a Rav 4 covered in LAX stickers is in such a hurry for. Don't be that guy.

4. The Club Frog

Tonight you are "club hopping." Forget the detailed description of this scenario, don't go "club hopping." Don't refer to what you do on Friday and Saturday nights as "club hopping." Don't be that guy.

3. The Rasta Faker

Bob, Ziggy, and Damian Marley are dominating your iTunes playlist right now. You've never been to Jamaica in your life, and you have no idea that it's basically a third-world country. You're going Rasta, bro. Your hat looks like you opened up a Jamaican flag-themed hacky sack, spilled out the beans, stretched it out, and then adorned it. You smell like a mixture of cannabis and an old sweaty Italian guy. You've taken the type B lifestyle to the extreme, and you're wasting your parent's money as you drift through community college. Don't be that guy.

2. The Unoriginal Gangsta

You just installed rims on your Chevy Impala. Old English letters denoting your surname are easily visible in the rear window. You play your music so loud that you have to listen to it with the windows down. Oh wait… you can listen to your gangsta rap with the windows up and show respect to other motorists… you're just being a tool. Don't be that guy.

1. The Bar Dick

Elbow on the counter, arm outstretched, dollar bills clasped tightly in your clenched fist. You've been yelling at the bartender each and every time she passes by, but to no avail. She doesn't seem to notice you in your Lacoste polo barking at her condescendingly. Obviously she doesn't know how to serve her customers… or… she's about had it with guys like you. Next time, go up to the bar, make eye contact with the bartender, and when she addresses you, order your drink. Nothing more, nothing less. Show other people (especially women) that patient people actually exist in our generation. Don't be that other guy.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.