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My best friend and I used to laugh at people in relationships. Now I've done things so girlfriendy and embarrassing that it makes me cringe.
There comes a moment in a man's life when he stares into the jaundiced, bleary eye of fate and realizes the inescapable truth of what is to become of the rest of his time in this world.
Throughout history, cats had an uncanny ability to lull people into their graces with the innocence of kittenhood. Now we know they're sexual deviants that are full of shit.
Only follow this list if teaching has made you suicidal, OR you're a teacher who just wants to have a little fun, and you've been looking for a career change anyway.
It was Christmas Eve on Twitter when I tweeted, "I drink Starbucks coffee because when you're single, you forget the taste of butthole." And I immediately attracted the attention of one man.
Taking over a planet isn't easy. Your second in command will rally the troops, act as top henchman, and pick up a double burrito combo from Taco Bell when you're hungover.
Emma Watson said in interviews that she prefers Twilight because "it is more for girls and stuff." Similarly, Robert Pattinson lived entirely on Kellogg's Frosted Flakes to achieve his sparkly effect in Twilight.
As I sit on my couch watching an Armenian family dressed in cheetah print argue, I think to myself, "What does it take to keep up with the Kardashians?"
Your spidey-sense is a tingling, and that means adventure. Coincidentally, the tingling sensation is greatest where the black widow bit you five minutes ago.
Robots will soon be able to make mincemeat out of you. Think the Terminator was badass? That pussy couldn't even time travel and terminate his own illegitimate child.
You're going to live with a nutcase someday, and in order to preserve your sanity, you're going to need some elite training tips in order to survive this experience.
Some of us are partial tools, some of us fade in and out of toolism, and some of us are just full-blown tools. Take a look in the mirror sometimes and tell yourself: "Don't be that guy."