Now I don't know about you, but I consider myself to be an average kinda guy. I pretty much want the same things any young, 30-year-old man wants: a decent job, a comfortable place to live, a smart girlfriend, good food, good beer, and good friends. Oh and of course… complete and total invincibility; a room full of heavily-guarded, voluptuous, brunette virgins ready to please me at moment's notice; a functioning model of every single Gatling gun made since 1862; access to every satellite in outer space; Darth Vader's ability to strangle people without touching them; my own personal tank; the ability to hold public executions…and a really nice coin collection.
Now, I realize that life doesn't always bring us everything we want. I learned how to accept that a long time ago. However, that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have a little fun every now and then…especially if you're a teacher.
As any teacher knows, the world of education can really get a person "down" after a while. Endless hours of grading and planning lessons aren't even half of it. Don't forget that we must perform a never-ending "balancing act of doom" with:
- Rebellious students who would rather be out doing drugs, fighting, or fucking somebody.
- Over-protective "my child can do nothing wrong" parents.
- A politically corrupt, bone-headed, and usually incompetent administration.
I know your son is balloon-headed and cross-eyed, and I'm sure he's special in his own way, but as far as I'm concerned, he's a worthless little cocksucker!!And no matter what happens…IT'S ALWAYS THE TEACHER'S FAULT!! We either didn't work hard enough, didn't use the right material, didn't take enough teaching classes, didn't discipline our students enough, etc, etc.
That being said, here is my list of five ways to get fired from your teaching job. Only follow this list if:
- Teaching has made you suicidal, or…
- You're a teacher who just wants to have a little fun, and you've been looking for a career change anyway.
1. Ace your yearly evaluation.
At some point in the year, you will get your evaluation, which may or may not be harsh, and you'll be asked to define your "goals for improvement" as a teacher. Don't hold anything back. When the principal comes into your room, kick your feet up on the desk and say….
"Well Bob, to tell you the truth, I went into teaching because I didn't know what else to do with my life. I figured I could bullshit my students all day long, slap some grades on them, and then get my summers off. Actually, I was kind of hoping that teaching would pay the bills until my comedy career gets going. You see, I've been posting my comedy stories on my own personal website called MyFunnyShit.com. And I haven't been doing too bad. Here, I'll read you some of the comments I got on my last story."
Pull out a sheet of paper and read the following…
COMMENT #1: Jesus, what the fuck is this! I was simply looking up brands of laundry detergent on the Internet, and I accidentally ran across this fucking shit. Goddamn!!!
COMMENT #2: Yeah, me too. I simply wanted to spend a relaxing evening on the Internet when I found this fucking guy and his website. Is this guy actually employed anywhere?
COMMENT #3: Fuck, I certainly hope not.
COMMENT #4: All I wanted to do was find some really good porn when I accidentally found this story and read it. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow because I still can't get an erection.
COMMENT #5: My wife is a literature professor. I showed her this story and she started crying. Then she screamed at the computer screen. After that, she made me sleep on the couch. Now, she's divorcing me. Thanks a lot, asshole!!
"Now, Bob…you don't mind if I call you Bob, do you?…I realize that this story didn't do so well, but I honestly expect that I'll get better responses in the future. So if you can just let me teach for a while until I get this going, I'd appreciate it."
2. Be honest with parents.
If you're a teacher, then you know this is true. Many parents, especially the over-protective ones, simply like to blame the teacher for their child's complete incompetence rather than acknowledge the fact that their child might just be an asshole. Why not use this as an opportunity to finally tell that over-protective, idiot parent the truth?
"Well Mrs. So-and-So… yes, I'm absolutely sure that there's something I failed to do to help little Johnny. In fact, little Johnny came up to me yesterday after I spent three hours grading papers, and he asked me why he failed my class. I was about to tell him he failed because he:
- Answered "C" for every single multiple choice question,
- Never turned in his homework,
- Did nothing but throw spit-wads in class and make farting noises with his arm pits, and
- Drew a picture of a middle finger next to "EXPLAIN THIS!!" on every single essay question.
Now, I was about to explain this to him when I suddenly just stopped out of complete frustration and looked at him…
…and when I looked at the empty, dull expression on his face, and the big, giant booger coming out of his nose, I had to use every ounce of willpower to refrain from grabbing the cheap, yet sturdily-constructed industrial pen out of my desk and STABBING MYSELF IN THE BRAIN!!! The only thing that prevented the deep, hypnotic stare of his empty-headed glaze from making me blot out my own existence was the realization that I still have a full bottle of whiskey at home and a hooker named Jessica who happens to think I'm cute.
Now, I know that your son is balloon-headed and cross-eyed, and I'm sure he's special in his own way, but as far as I'm concerned, he's a lazy, mouthy, worthless know-nothing little cocksucker!! So don't blame me for his complete failure, blame your husband for spreading his genetics across an Earth that is already heavily polluted with a countless worthless assholes. You know what, you're the one who spit the little bastard out of your crotch 15 years ago…YOU should be telling ME this information!!!"
Then slam the phone down as hard as you can and hurl it out of your room with such force that the phone line breaks from the wall and the phone goes rolling down the hallway.
3. Stare at breasts.
Go to work with a massive hangover. When class begins, walk slowly and painfully over to the front of the classroom and sit down at your front desk, facing the class. Pull out a literature textbook and say…
"Alright, listen up. I know this is math class, but we're going to talk about literature today. Now pay attention because this is important…. Damnit! (rub your head to show that you are in pain)
Now, the first thing I want to say is that writing is a unique and elaborate process by which the soul of the artist is expressed in the form of words. Reading literature is like swimming through the spirit of the author…. When I read literature, it feels like I'm sitting in a hot tub next to a beautiful woman as I let the warm and seductive ‘flow' of the words fill my swimming trunks and…"
(Stop suddenly mid-sentence and stare helplessly at the perfectly formed breasts of one of the female students in your class. Open your mouth so that a big line of drool comes rolling out…and force yourself to pee your pants.)
After this little episode, I'm sure you'll find that the process of getting fired will occur naturally, smoothly, and quickly.
4. Make your classroom seem like a circus.
You might need your students to help you orchestrate this one. The next time the principal walks past your room, make sure he or she hears the following:
Teacher: …And that, students, is why genital infections and unwanted pregnancies increased both during and after the period of the Industrial Revolution.
Tommy: Mr. Jansen, this class is fuckin' boring.
Brad: Fuck you, Tommy, your mother is boring!
Teacher: Hey…Hey…Hey!!! Goddamnit, don't talk that way in my classroom!
Tommy: Fuck you, Brad, you're a cocksucker!
Teacher: Hey! For fuck's sake, Tommy, what did I tell you about saying the word "cocksucker" in my classroom?
Tommy: I'm sorry, Mr. Jansen.
Teacher: You're goddamn right you're sorry, Tommy. I'm the teacher, and I'm the only one who's allowed to say "cocksucker" in here.
5. Ace the interview.
Well, this doesn't really constitute getting fired, but it will certainly prove to be lots of fun. Type up a fake letter of recommendation and hand it to the principal. Here is what the letter should say:
To Whom It May Concern,
I'm writing this letter of recommendation for…what the hell, Wesley Jansen. Wesley Jansen was employed for two years here at our little private school in Torn-sack, New Hampshire. We actually tried to get rid of him after the first two weeks, but we simply couldn't find any teachers to replace him. I'm not exactly sure why, but it has been difficult to get people to move to our cozy little community here in Torn-sack. Although he has a history of alcoholism, a long trail of disorderly conduct charges, a plethora of poor teaching habits, and a tiring list of angry parents…he is fun to hang out with. While employed here, he taught the following classes:
- History 202, "Failed Human Civilizations"
- History 203, "History's Worst People"
- Psychology 217, "A Brief Analysis of Wisconsin-Born Serial Killers"
- English 107, "Bisexual Female Literature from 1835 to 1840"
May God have mercy on your soul. I mean…if you have any questions, feel free to give me a call.
Dr. Richard Head