Twitter is cesspool of 40-year-old divorcee perverts who want to relive their college years by tweeting about blowjobs and masturbating. I am a 21-year-old Jewish girl from New York, which does not mean I'm not a pervert, I totally am, I just would like to point out that I'm also Jewish. I joined Twitter to crack jokes about…well…blowjobs and masturbating, but it has turned into an addiction. Turns out there is a lot to say about blowjobs and masturbating.

It was Christmas Eve and I was bored…on Twitter. That night I tweeted, "I drink Starbucks coffee because when you're single, you forget the taste of butthole." Classic. A few minutes later I got a direct message from a user whose handle was…we'll call him "EarZits" (which is disgustingly close to what this guy's actual handle is). He messaged me, "So, you're into eating butthole?" This was the beginning of a long night. I did what any 21-year-old would do in this situation: get drunk and have cybersex with someone named EarZits. 

This thing was suffocating his penis. As a science major I thought, "This can't be good for you." Was this my first experience having cybersex? I wish I could say that… but it had been 8 years so I was a little rusty. I was a feisty little 13-year-old with daddy issues. Not that they knew I was 13. They thought I was an 18-year-old Gap model named Stephanie. It's not weird that my best friend at the time was named Stephanie. Anyway, so I'm pretty much a pro at getting creepy men off on the internet—or women, I didn't discriminate then and I won't discriminate now. It's the age of the internet and I was sexually repressed until college…no judgment.

Anyway, so it's Christmas Eve.

After a night of drinks and good ol' fashion fun, I got on my computer and started messaging EarZits. It started off pretty normal. "Where are you from?" "How old are you?" "Do you want to see it in a cock cage or out of a cock cage?" Okay, that last one came later. But seriously, what the hell is a cock cage? Turns out he's 30 years old and from Australia. Or so he says. For all I know he could be a 60-year-old from Boise, Idaho. At any rate, the fact that he was from Australia was hot and so was his avatar, a picture of a zit with ears on it.

Life is Short and So is Your Penis tshirt
Cybersex etiquette dicktates that a girl always return the favor.
So we small talked for a bit about our sexual preferences. By sexual preferences I basically mean we talked about if I like it in the butt or not. I don't. My butt is an exit not an entrance. It is my temple and I will cherish it. I told him I liked it in the butt. Part of me was curious where this whole thing was going.

And so it began. He told me to send him a blank email to [email protected]. So I did. He sent me a picture of his penis in a cock cage. Which…is disgusting. I gagged a little when I saw it and not in a "gagging because I like it" way. This thing was suffocating his penis. As a science major I thought, "This can't be good for you," but I just sent him an email back with a picture of my tits. It was a hot picture. I looked especially good considering it was 4 in the morning where I was. He told me he was opening presents with his family, which made the whole thing even more awkward. Or hot? No…just awkward.

He added me on Skype at 4:43am Christmas morning, but I was asleep. I looked up his name that morning on Google. Turns out he's a professional cricket player in Australia. No wonder he didn't want to show me his face. Also, it turns out he's a married father of two children. So there's that….

Even though my experience with EarZits was a one night cyberstand, I think I learned a lot from the experience. I now know that if I have cybersex with someone, they probably have a wife and two kids. Also, I know what a cock cage is, although I wish I didn't. I sent EarZits a message the next morning saying, "I think you gave me syphilis," which is a hilarious thing to say, if you ask me. Apparently he didn't think so and he never responded, that asshole.

I have a lot to say about cybersex. It can't get you pregnant, it can't give you an STD, but it is just as emotionally trying as real sex. Which, for me, means not very emotionally trying, but for some people I assume it is. I would have cybersex again; maybe not with EarZits but with someone who cares about me for me. No, fuck that. I just want to see their face…without a cock cage.