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It's not because your hair is so bad in the morning that dainty bunnies have tried to mate with it. Thankfully, it's everything else wrong with you.
Your job this year is to ruin Thanksgiving for everybody. Here are three simple steps to accomplish that: complain, criticize, and be aloof.
As a male, I am biologically obligated to mentally have sex with Flo from Progressive. How would it go? What would it be like in those starchy white pants?
Instead of lifting a middle finger to the lucky job-getters, we should work harder to avoid silly mistakes that land us in a heap of self-pity Cheeto dust.
In the last 40 years, there's been over 4 billion of us thrown out of the safety and warmth of our mother's canal in order to cling to this shitty rock and be miserable.
Face it, what is Thanksgiving without the ritual night-before Wild Turkey blackout, chafed thighs following turkey overindulgence, and terrible children's artwork.
A profile picture is your Internet face. And, just like your real face, it will be severely critiqued by every person who sees it, so it's important to get it right.
Can you hear my grunts? Can you feel how slippery my body has become? The truth is, this is more than sex to me.
Principal Legree, you hold three college degrees, but have only a pathetic 583 followers. And you claim to rule me? I OWN WESTWOOD HIGH SCHOOL NOW.
If you enjoy having sex with girls (or "women" as the older ones like to be called), you will increase your chances of getting laid with these simple shortcuts.
So you shaved the sides of your head and you dyed the top of your head purple. Congratulations, you are now different! But we can all see right through you.
The creative process is cool but I need some serious money. I bet you crave the same. Digest my three-part prescriptive program for making millions.