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"When things get hard...just put one foot in front of the other." I should probably inform you that I followed this advice when I had sex with your girlfriend last week.
#3: Thou Shalt Disguise Narcissism with Humility. This means learning to effectively implement the "humble brag." If you can't do that, just boast instead, whatever.
I don't just look at my dog with fury because that would be cliché; rather, I tend to give her a sad, betrayed look, with a hint of intense bloody vengeance.
Touring and sharing small, intimate spaces with people you don't like being intimate with is tough. But that's just part of the underbelly of band life on the road.
I didn't want to believe it. "I've known him for years," I thought. "Why would he do this to me?" And then I opened up to page 45 and saw the pubic hair.
I can imagine the skill it takes to hack an email account, so I know you're smart. You got this far, why not market your shady products more effectively?
For all we know, this World Cup may still be going on; we can't be too sure. As Americans, it behooves all of us to try and find out as much as we can about this.
Alas, most of you are morons. Therefore, I have compiled a list of things you should know not to do before you buy a lottery ticket at the convenience store where I work.
In commercials you see sailors doing all kinds of awesome shit. In real life, you do a bunch of jobs so shitty you can't believe how naïve you must have been to enlist.
I'm Don Johnson, Christ's faithful cameraman, publicist, and devoted chronicler of his second coming, and this is the premiere episode with Jesus on a turkey hunt!
Well done, Bill Phillips, Men's Health editor-in-chief, you did it. You figured out the perfect combination of repetitive nonsense that keeps me coming back for more.
Sorry I sneaked on board Apollo 17 without your permission, NASA - that's entirely on me. But listen, can you GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING ROCK ALREADY??