Dear High School Class of 2015: Raptors Will Take Your Jobs
Raptors are not just dim-witted lizards anymore. They can open doors, hack your phone, and steal your car. And they're threatening to takie your jobs right now.
Comedy Writing
Hip Hop Tips for Tax Season
Taxes can be complicated, but most people don't realize there are tons of benefits they can receive that H&R Block won't touch with a wooden stick! Haha! Hova!
Driving Etiquette for the Future
Of course we'll have flying cars in the future. But there's more to driving than cars; there's going to be a whole new driving etiquette based on personal responsibility.
Coming Out: Courageous Insights From a Recently Uncloseted Same-Sex Couple
This article is a call for unity: My girlfriend and I are not the only same-sex couple. There are other people who have sex with each other at the same time too.
The Only New Year’s Resolution That Will Also Save Democracy
Did you know that if you juggle you can receive a significant tax write-off? Juggling is not just a way to hat trick 2015. It is a way to get our nation back on track this year.
The Atheist Club’s First Annual Christmas-Themed Christmas Party
Past Christmas parties by the house church had themes such as "Dinner" and "Watching Netflix," but this year the theme is... *drumroll* "Christmas"!
Texting Pictures of My Bulge is My Job
By day I practice my John Wayne walk and by night I send my bulge out to my entire contacts list. It's an international duty and a personal calling.
A Financial Approach to Having Sex as Quickly as Possible
It's not sex itself that's such a waste of precious moneymaking hours; rather, it's the way we do sex. Here are some helpful techniques to streamline the sexual process.
The World Cup: An Underground Sporting Event Every American Should Know About
For all we know, this World Cup may still be going on; we can't be too sure. As Americans, it behooves all of us to try and find out as much as we can about this.
The Fart Collector: How to Turn Shame into Profit
John Finklestein went from celebrated art collector to shamed FART collector overnight. Here's how that smelly reputation ended up taking him to the top.
A Tourist’s Guide to the Afterlife
After my wildly successful lecture series, "Where The Hell Am I? A MapQuest For The Afterlife," people had a lot more questions about Heaven. Here's my travel guide!
How to Convince People to Join Your Political Party, Through Home Decoration
How to decorate your home to convince everyone at your next (dinner) party to subscribe to the beliefs of whichever political party you choose.