Hello, Nick Hilbourn here: professional English major and spiritual guru.
After my wildly successful lecture series (given extremely avant gardely as a walking yell through the Bible section of the New York City Public Library), "Where The Hell Am I? A MapQuest For The Afterlife," attempted to provide people with a better understanding of what waits for us and how to find it after we die, I was met with more and more questions by people who were worried that they still would get lost when their soul departed the body.
With that in mind, I wanted to take the time to answer some frequently asked questions to provide a further community service to all those future dead out there.
Will I need identification?
Are you a resident of New York State? Then your E-Z Pass will be identification enough. If not, an American driver's license will do, but processing will take longer. For non-Americans, passports are a necessity. For those foolish enough to forget their passport, you will spend eternity in a line at the DMV. Although not Hell, individuals currently in Hell have told me that they often watch the DMV line to remind them that things aren't so bad.
Are there any good places to eat?
The past three years have seen numerous improvements in the openness to new diets arriving in the afterlife. Older folks will tell you about the "good ole days" when they had Wonderbread and government cheese and it was "fine and dandy." But we live in a new era. Expect to see trendy gluten-free bread and wine, vegan honey, and free-range lions and lambs. We're not talking about crankshaft Alabama but the city on the rise! New York City is over. Tell your friends that it's the afterlife all the way!
Mud bathing amongst the dead in Heaven, WOOOO!
Where are the bathrooms?
Yes, you will need to go to bathroom in the afterlife. However, unlike the terrestrial realm, you will excrete large volumes of blessings to your relatives. That said, you'll certainly want to know where the facilities are if you intend on spiritually defecating out new jobs or winning lottery tickets for your descendants for eons to come.
Of course, knowing where the bathrooms are requires understanding how we use the bathroom in the afterlife. In the afterlife, everything is about expediency. Because of this, number one and number two have been conflated. After you have shown the proper identification, take the escalator to the second floor where you will see an infinite line of golden thrones (you may remember reading about these in the Book of Revelations). Have a seat and think about what nice things you would like to give a special someone and let ‘er rip! (Don't worry if you accidentally defecate feces instead of blessings. Practice makes perfect and all fecal matter is dumped on random individuals in the DMV line. It's perfectly fine!)
If I go up the down escalator, will I be thrown out?
You will see a sign indicating that you can, in fact, go up the down escalator. Like most things in the afterlife, this sign is ironic. One thing you should understand after you die is that absolutely everyone is sarcastic. So read every sign or direction with a sardonic tone and you'll know exactly how to proceed. Failure to understand this will be cause for you to immediately be asked "to stick around," which will be, of course, ironic.
Is there a baggage claim?
Luckily for you, the souls of departed airport employees still continue their work in the afterlife. Not only this, but you'll find that Starbucks employees work 24 hours a day for the rest of eternity, considering the lack of union presence in their company structure.
Will they speak English?
You shouldn't worry about learning another language in the afterlife. Since the Bible was written in English, a committee of scholars decided that Heaven should also adopt the language. Those of you who do not speak English as a first language should ensure that you take classes now. Heaven, as I have explained in my previous lecture series, requires a TEFOL score of 85% or above.
Do I have to turn off my electronics?
This is an interesting question because the whole realm of electronics is different in Heaven. Our spiritual bodies, unlike the bodies we have here, are designed to collaborate with all Apple devices. So, when you come to Heaven, your iBook, iPad, and iPhone should all sync up fluidly.
What if I have a PC?
You are definitely in Hell then. Jesus Christ addressed these people extensively. Please read his collected works as translated by me ("The Unedited E-mails of Jesus").
You have somehow ended up at Christopher Walken's house. I'm afraid I can't help you.
Is it okay to drink the water?
Mostly. Although I would still bring a filter. You can never be too careful.
What can I do if I'm bored?
Usually, when I enter into the spiritual realm, boredom is something I often experience in Heaven. Honestly, after about thirty minutes, you've done everything. In this case, I usually find a nice spot near the edge to watch the damned tortured in the realm of Hell. I could spend eternity watching this. The creativity in that place!