St. Peter: Good evening sir, what's your name?
Frank: My name is… Frank. Frank McGraff.
St. Peter: Well, it's nice to meet you, Mr. Frank McGraff. What's wrong? You look a little bit nervous.
Frank: Well…I am nervous. I'm really nervous. I'm not sure if I lived a good life or not. And to tell you the truth, I'm afraid of the questions you're going to ask me. I don't think I'll have the right answers. I really don't want to take this test, okay? I'm not ready. I mean, I missed lots of church services, I never really paid attention while the pastor was talking, I probably didn't pray enough, I had a Bible but I didn't read it very often, I never volunteered for any church activities, I probably should have—
St. Peter: Frank, Frank, Frank… RELAX! I'm not here to test you.
I could care less if you fuck your sister, pick mushrooms out of your crotch, or blow snot out of your asshole. Makes no difference to me. Frank: What? You're not?
St. Peter: No, Frank. I just want to get to know you a little bit. That's all.
Frank: Really?
St. Peter: Yep.
Frank: I thought I had to pass some kind of test or something, you know, to get into heaven and all that.
St. Peter: Well shit, Frank. You don't have a test booklet, and I don't have an answer key.
Frank: Haha, yeah, I guess not.
St. Peter: So, what religion were you?
Frank: Christian.
St. Peter: Really? Catholic or Protestant?
Frank: Protestant.
St. Peter: Protestant… ahhh. What type? Last I heard there were quite a few of them.
Frank: Presbyterian.
St. Peter: Oh really? Hmmmm. Do you remember what it says in Leviticus 9 verse 13? What does that passage mean to you?
Frank: Hey, I thought this wasn't going to be a test??!!
St. Peter: Hahaha! I'm just fucking with you, Frank.
Frank: (bellows out with laughter) Haha, you got me! Hey, you know something, you're alright.
St. Peter: Well thank you, Frank. To tell you the truth, I could care less if you shoot heroin, fuck your sister, pick mushrooms out of your crotch, or blow snot out of your asshole. Makes no difference to me.
Frank: HAHAHAHA!!!
St. Peter: Ah fuck it, Frank, do you want to grab a beer?
(St. Peter and Frank go have a beer)
Frank: Damn, you know…when I first saw you, I was nervous as shit.
St. Peter: Yeah, you looked pretty nervous. When I saw the expression on your face, I had to keep myself from laughing my balls off. I just kept thinking, "Yeah, this poor son-of-a-bitch thinks I'm going to test him to see if he deserves to go to Heaven. He probably wishes he had another year or two to study the Bible." Hahaha. Am I right?
Frank: Yeah, shit! That's exactly what I was thinking. Fuck, I had no idea you were going to ask me for a beer instead.
St. Peter: You sure didn't see that one coming, did you?
Frank: Fuck no. I was getting ready to shit my pants instead.
St. Peter: So, how old were you when you died?
Frank: I was only 44. Died in a car accident. Got hit by a drunk driver, fucking bastard…
St. Peter: That's too bad. Did you leave anyone behind?
Frank: Yeah, my wife Suzanne and two boys.
St. Peter: How old?
Frank: My wife?
St. Peter: No, your kids… ya dummy.
Frank: Oh, haha. Yeah. Older one's 16 and younger one's 13.
St. Peter: That's too bad. A guy like you had a lot of good years ahead of him.
Frank: Fuck yeah! I really did. It just ain't fair.
St. Peter: Do you have any regrets?
Frank: Other than dying early?
St. Peter: Ha!
Frank: Absolutely not. I had a great time.
St. Peter: Well, you seem like a stand-up kinda guy, Frank.
Frank: Yep. I really am. I always try to be anyway. Hell, I don't really know why I was so worried when I saw you at first. I mean, I lived a good life and everything. I had a good Christian upbringing, I didn't take shit from people…
St. Peter: What did you do for a living?
Frank: I was a salesman. Had to be on the road a lot.
St. Peter: I'll bet. So, what did you enjoy most about life.
Frank: Honestly?
St. Peter: Yeah, honestly.
Frank: Pussy.
St. Peter: Jeez, don't give me a vague answer or anything. Just say what you think. Hahaha.
Frank: Honestly, I loved being in high school and college. Crazy times, man, crazy times.
St. Peter: So you were…rather popular with the ladies?
Frank: Oh, fuck yeah. I played sports a lot, and I got laid all the time. It was fucking great. More in college than in high school. I let some of those high school sweeties slip away, unfortunately.
St. Peter: Were… any of them special?
Frank: Nope.
St. Peter: Well jeez, did you ever worry about STD's or anything like that. Last I heard, they got stuff now that will make your pecker fall off… and eat itself.
Frank: Nah. I always played it pretty safe. The toughest part was getting rid of the ones who became attached. They were always calling and crying over the phone and shit like that. Honestly, I went through periods where I had to take my phone off the hook.
St. Peter: …
Frank: Oh yeah, the other tough part was making sure their boyfriends didn't find out. Hahaha!
St. Peter: Hahaha.
Frank: Hahaha.
St. Peter: Hahaha.
Frank: Hahaha….
St. Peter: … … … … … … ha ha ha
Frank: Ha.
St. Peter: So, did any of them find out?
Frank: Well, one of them did.
St. Peter: Really?!!
Frank: Yeah, his name was Randy. He actually came after me, too. But he was such a scrawny little shit… and he didn't know how to fight or anything, so I pretty much kicked his ass and sent him home to his momma.
St. Peter: Ouch. That's kind of harsh, don't you think?
Frank: Well, not really. I mean, I told him to back off and everything, but he didn't, so I had no choice.
St. Peter: So, you were a pretty tough guy then?
Frank: Yeah, I was lucky, too. My older brothers taught me how to fight when I was growing up, so I always knew how to handle myself pretty well.
St. Peter: Impressive.
Frank: Yep. My daddy always told me, "Frank, you gotta defend yourself and never take shit from anyone…even if you're wrong." Yep, he would also say, "Frank, most people are assholes anyway, so just be yourself, do what you're going to do, and fuck ‘em if they don't like it." Yep….my good ole daddy.
St. Peter: Let me guess…you're an asshole and proud of it, right?
Frank: Fuckin' A right, man, fuckin' A right…. high-five!!!
(St. Peter and Frank high-five each other)
St. Peter: … … … … … … Hahaha
Frank: Hahaha.
St Peter: Hahaha.
Frank: Hahaha.
St. Peter: Hahaha.
Frank: …because you know, it doesn't matter what they teach you in school or tell you in church, you can't go through life being a pussy. Nice guys finish last, and they never get laid.
(Frank smiles and nudges St. Peter)
St. Peter: Well, you're definitely right about that.
Frank: Yeah…either they never get laid, or their girlfriends eventually get bored with them and find their way to me.
St. Peter: Fuckin' A right.
Frank: Yep.
St. Peter: You know, Frank, a guy with your confidence and "people skills" probably had to turn women down all the time. That ever cause any problems in your marriage?
Frank: Well….
St. Peter: Let me guess. Those "long" and "lonely" sales trips weren't so "lonely," were they?
Frank: Well, no they weren't, but the benefits package I gave some of my clients sure was pretty "long."
(St. Peter doubles over laughing)
St. Peter: …and Suzanne never found out, did she?
Frank: Nah. By the time I met Suzanne, I had already had lots of experience in high school and college, so I was pretty good at playing the game. I know how to keep secrets. I always just told myself, whatever Suzanne doesn't know… won't kill me.
St. Peter: Very true.
Frank: Yeah, I met some real freaks on the road. This one time, I met two sisters…. Hey wait! I can't believe I'm actually sitting here talking to St. Peter about all the times I got laid. This is really fucked up, man.
St. Peter: Hahaha. Well, it's like I said before, I could care less if you grow mushrooms out of your dick, or use your asshole as a bottle opener. It's all the same to me, man. Fuck it, I'm not here to judge. Whatever keeps your cock rockin'.
Frank: Well FUCK SHIT!!! You're just a little bit of alright, ya know that.
St. Peter: Well, thank you Frank. It's been nice getting to know you. I wish you the best of luck on your test.
Frank: Cheers buddy, you know— Wait, test? What test?!? I thought you said there wasn't going to be any fucking test!! What the fuck, man!
St. Peter: Well, no, I never said that. I just said that I'm not here to test you.
Frank: ……
St. Peter: Oh I forgot… which religion did you say you were?