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Bernard knew he had skin cancer. He knew, for a fact, he didn't have that mole on his neck a couple of weeks ago. Well, he was pretty sure he didn't.
You remember me, right? We made eye contact on the G train two months ago. I was wearing my somewhat-ironic DARE shirt. No bells ringing?
"Although it's clear there's certainly some raw talent here, it needs to be given a good spit shine. Also, rocking bod, Beth." -Gary Summers, Washington Post
Avoid posting about the weather, news, your feelings, or "inspiring" Latin quotes, unless you want people to think there's something seriously wrong with you.
In England we have a cycling and auto parts store called Halfords. It's kind of like a downsized Walmart meets a downsized Home Depot. And it absolutely sucks.
These were the first adult penises I'd ever seen, and as an 8-year-old, it scared me enough to make me avoid changing in locker rooms for the rest of my life.
As someone fat enough it would take even 19th century sailors a few years at sea to be tricked into fucking, I'd like to pause and reflect on the silver lining of being fat.
The title is half the battle. If I recorded a CD and named it "Guns Babes Lemonade," you would probably listen to it. Well there is an album called that. Listen to it.
The Cleveland Noble Savages defeated the Jackson City Quadroons 116-110 in Game 1 of the OTNBA Championship. Here is the post-game conference transcript.
First, you're going to buy a pumpkin about the size of a keg of beer, and smash it on your patio. Then you're going to the library for follow-up Halloween exercises.
As speculation of a North Korean coup heats up, everyone wants to know, where is Kim Jong-un? Unfortunately, I know the truth: he's living in my basement.
Sure, your soul could be possessed by demons and your entire being assimilated into an abyss of utter, inescapable darkness. But it's a risk worth taking.