Ever since his second neck surgery—and his prolific numbers following—I've always been suspicious that Peyton Manning had become a government experiment in robotics.
- On the field, he looks like a stoic field general. Meanwhile, out East, his brother Eli looks like an inebriated Muppet.
- He has limited mobility because his feet are actually plastic caster wheels.
- He combines limited arm strength with unlimited infrared capability to target his receivers. He then mentally computes their future positions based on a derivative of their velocity and fires a pass according to the highest probability of success. Textbook cyborg.
- He has fused vertebrae.
- He and Tony Dungy have a long-standing pact and secret coup for world domination. Tony Dungy wants to take over the world for religious purposes; Peyton Manning wants to take over the world for world domination purposes.
- He's way too cerebral and calculated to be just a "normal guy."
- He has an "o," "g," and "y" in his name. You know what else does? CYBORG.
- He decided to play on a team that plays at high altitude, thus reducing the wear and tear on his pressurized exoskeleton.
- Peyton Manning advertises for DirecTV because he too is controlled by a satellite dish.
- "Omaha" is actually the government codename given the CPU which governs him. He howls it whenever encountering a stack overflow at line zero.
- He doesn't buy his own groceries because the wavelength of UPC scanners liquefy his stool.
- When he's in the pocket, time slows down. This is because of the state of the art potentiometer affixed to his servo motor.
- His memory was once thought to be photographic, when in fact it's purely read only.
- He has significantly less muscle mass than your average NFL QB, thus allowing his titanium core to maintain its integrity when exposed to extreme temperatures.
- He doesn't "study" playbooks, he uploads them.
- He has no sense of smell.
- The lemon-lime sports drink he consumes on the sidelines is actually low-viscosity engine coolant.
- The reason he lost last year's Super Bowl is because Pete Carroll sent him game film loaded with malware. And a hooker.
Peyton, NOOOOO!! You'll short circuit!!