Now, I know what you're thinking ladies: Tom Brady is a dime, and you want to screw his brains out, which I believe, is a legitimate view for his hunky self. However, the next motherfucking time I see him whine, and fake his own roughing-the-passer call, I'm going to call up the girl in Precious to sit on his white ass! If you're reading this, Tom, first and foremost, FUCK YOU, and secondly, you're a bonafide pussy who deserves to drown in the abyss along with Dane Cook.

Switching gears here, Dane Cook, you also piss me off, Yeah, that's right, you—Dane Cook—piss me the fuck off in the following, unoriginal ways:

  1. The Kool-Aid man material isn't funny you proverbial faggot. Your self-made noises of walls collapsing are the MOST aggravating man-made noise ever created, which have now surpassed Jim Carrey's self-proclaimed "most annoying sound ever" noise in Dumb and Dumber for the number one spot on the list. Congratufuckinglations you tool.
  2. Oh yes Dane, PLEASE scream into the microphone every other damn word so I can pull off the skull-fuck-myself-repeatedly-maneuver, in order to tone out your infuriating voice and fucking stupid brand of mindless comedy. Thank you again Mr. Cook, for turning my eye into a glory hole. Dick.
  3. No, no no no, if you call Burger King the BK Lounge, you're not cool; you just sound like an egocentric wannabe. It also makes me want to go on a murderous rampage in the hopes of wiping the Cook bloodline clean from the Earth, so you won't pollute any more of the population with your trite jokes and stupid fucking laugh that keeps me up at night. Yeah, I know, I went there people—genocide is a bitch.

Those were my main three grievances, and as the title suggests, this is a piece on the NPL, not on Dane Cook's piece of shit existence, so I'll move on.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell
This is Roger Goodell… gone BAD.
From what I can tell, Roger Goodell (commissioner of the NFL) is by all accounts, the faggot Satan from South Park. I mean really, look at him for a second….

Okay, times up you fucking retards. As I was saying, Roger Goodell has to be the faggot Satan. I mean, look at the striking resemblance for one. On top of that, they both act all hard in front of their protégé, but behind closed doors, they get butt-fucked by Saddam Hussein. Hey, I mean, that's cool, you like to see homos naked, I understand man (LOL Joe Dirt), but in all seriousness, Roger Goodell is the faggot Satan for the following homosexual ways:

  1. The faggot Devil seems to really hate black people, as there is not one visible black person throughout his hellacious kingdom. So does Roger Goodell. I mean, let's be honest, what white player has been suspended or fined in recent memory? Huh, anyone? Anything? Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay, you got me, Ben Roethlisberger, but I can guarantee Roger was there with him in that Georgia restroom, tag-teaming that slut, and simply covered his tracks by pointing the finger at Ben. But back to the point, Chad Ochocinco gets a fine for bringing a dollar on the field, but A.J. Hawk can wear a Michael Myers mask around on the field 24/7, NO FAIR. I mean, shit, Roger Goodell fines black players for hitting white players too hard, and if that's not racist bullshit, I don't know what is (see Ray Lewis-Carson Palmer, Ndamukong Suh-Jake Delhomme).
  2. Roger Goodell has a soft spot for good-looking men, just like Satan has a hard-on for Saddam. Hey now, Saddam was a handsome lunatic back in his prime, give the man some credit, he had multiple wives. HOW MANY WIVES DO YOU HAVE, BITCH?! That's what I thought; the man had mad game, and was slaughterin' the Arab tail all the way back to the fuckin' Mosque for years. Roger Goodell, on the other hand, has a very sensual relationship with Caucasian quarterbacks (this excludes Michael Vick, because he is obviously black, thus Roger Goodell hates him) and does everything in his power to protect them so he can have his way with them when he invites them up to his "office" for some "drinks." STOP LYING ROGER, we all know you're a fudge-packing ginger.
  3. Ever since Roger Goodell has been the NFL commissioner, the only rules and regulations he makes are pussy ones. "You can't lead with your head on a tackle"?? WTF Roger, you get to lead with your head up into Tom Brady's ass every week! Fucking hypocrite. And the whole, "If you so much as breathe too close to one of my sacred Caucasian quarterbacks, you will be penalized, fined, and burned at the stake." Excessive? I think so. FUCK YOU, ROGER, aka Satan, aka faggot, aka ginger.

NFL player reaching down to his toes with pink gloves and pink cleatsThe NFL now supports breast cancer in men.With those points in mind, it's easy to see the simple truth, and in exposing that truth, I have come to the conclusion that the NFL is no longer worthy of the title "National Football League;" it is now downgraded to "National Powder Puff League." Roger Goodell is the cause for this, and I think it is fair to conclude that in the upcoming years we are in store for a lot more pussy shit from him.

What's next on his gay-ass agenda? I believe that the following ideas are not out of the question:

  • Players being forced to cross-dress during games.
  • Panty hose as an official part of the uniform.
  • Short-shorts instead of pants.
  • Gay pride parades during half-time.
  • Ecstasy being ruled a legal substance in the league.
  • Foot-long hot dogs in assorted penis shapes served to the fans.
  • The production and sale of NPL Nude Calendars.
  • Referee uniforms being changed to rainbow colors.
  • The sale of Mike's Hard Lemonade instead of beer during games.
  • Roger Goodell's assassination.

This is my theory on the evolution of the NFL to the NPL. Special thanks to Roger Goodell for being such a pussy ass bitch.