Have you ever had a nightmare before? Do you often feel nervous before taking a really big exam in school that will determine your professional future? If you were in an old, dark house completely by yourself and you saw a large, vaporous entity progressing toward you at incredibly fast speed, would you become a bit frightened? Would a slight feeling of uneasiness creep up on you if you were in a bar when a profoundly muscular, emotionally-unbalanced, mentally-ill, psychotic, fully enraged, 340-pound ex-convict told you that he would be waiting outside for you at your car? If you returned home early from an evening of tennis and heard really passionate sexual noises in the upstairs bedroom, would you get the feeling that something was wrong?

If you answered "yes"…"no"…or "maybe" to any, all, or none of these questions, then you are probably suffering from a severe anxiety disorder.

But don't panic…I'm here to help you.

If you want to overcome your anxiety and continue living a happy life, simply read this article. Reading this article will help you a lot more than seeking therapy, taking medication, or discussing your anxiety problem with family, friends, or loved ones because chances are…they all think you should be put in a mental home anyway.

So read ahead.

1. Don't be paranoid.

Arrows pointing at a man sitting in a corner 

Continual anxiety often brings about feelings of paranoia. When people are extremely anxious, they easily tend to think that others are out to get them, or that their family, friends, and acquaintances are talking about them behind their backs.

If you are an extremely anxious person, it is very important that you avoid falling into this type of thinking because paranoia will only make your anxiety worse. Just relax, everything is OK. Nobody is talking about you behind your back.

Sure, you've been at diners, holiday get-togethers, and family re-unions where you've heard your relatives talk shit about the family members who weren't there. Sure, you've hung out in the break area at work with co-workers who slam, betray, and belittle other employees who were not in the room. Sure, your friends have shared deep secrets with you about other people you know…always beginning with the words… "Now, don't tell anybody I told you this…"

What reason would you ever possibly have to suspect that these same people are talking about YOU when you're not there….?

What possible reason?

2. Find reasonable and healthy ways to vent your anxiety.

Anxiety produces a lot of internal tension, and this tension builds up over rather short periods of time. If this tension is not properly released, something bad could happen. Therefore, it is absolutely vital to find a healthy outlet for your frustration.

One way to achieve this is to scream at the moon, punch yourself in the face, watch cheap 70's porn, weep uncontrollably, masturbate, pull all of your pubic hair out, and then drink for 3-4 days straight before setting your apartment on fire and smashing your head into a nude fountain statue. This is a good way to vent your anxiety without hurting others.

There are, of course, many variations to this method.

  • Most people prefer to masturbate before they weep uncontrollably, and then they pull all of their pubic hair out.
  • A fewpeople, however, prefer to pull all of their pubic hair out, weep uncontrollably, and then masturbate.
  • Some people do all three at the same time.

It all depends what you are the most comfortable with.

3. Replace your anxiety with depression. Watch the movie Forrest Gump.

If you are an anxious person, I recommend replacing your anxiety with complete and total depression. The perfect way to get rid of all your worries and concerns is to completely lose your will to live. Watching Forrest Gump will help you achieve this.

Think about it. The main character spends his entire life completely in love with one girl. He thinks about her all the time no matter where he is and no matter what he's doing. She continually rejects him, she does drugs, she screws half of the male population on Earth, and when she finally falls in love with him at the end of the movie…SHE DIES!

After watching this movie, you'll be so incredibly fucking depressed that you won't even remember that you have an anxiety disorder. You won't be able to feel worry, concern, or apprehension anymore…because you simply won't care.

4. Look to the stars for comfort.

Sometimes the pace of life is too fast, and the stresses that we face on a daily basis are simply overwhelming. If you feel that you are on the verge of having an anxiety attack because life is dishing out more than you can handle, then just kick back on your porch at night and look up at the stars.

Aren't they beautiful? Observe just how silent and peaceful they are. Now, imagine yourself feeling very light. All the stresses, cares, and concerns of the world begin fading into the background as you slowly float upward toward the Heavens. No responsibilities…no deadlines…no pressures…no anxiety…just the beautiful, peaceful stars waiting for you to reach them.

Of course, once you actually got there, the cold and terrifying vacuum of outer-space would wreak havoc on your internal organs, your skin would swell up, injuries and massive bruises would accumulate all over your body, all of your oxygen would be depleted as you experience the effects of brain asphyxiation, and you would have major convulsions before turning blue and dying an extremely horrible death.

Your head might also explode…but this effect isn't particularly supported by NASA.

5. If you are a young man who is suffering anxiety, reduce your fears by finding the woman of your dreams.

Sometimes anxiety is the result of being alone. We all need intimacy in order to live happy, fulfilling lives. If you are a young man who is anxious because you're lonely, then there is a cure for you. The next time you find yourself curious about a woman or even hopelessly attracted to her, take that bold step forward and ask her out on a date. Before you ask her out, just make sure that you relax and be yourself. Don't let your anxiety get the better of you.

You must realize, of course, that if you say anything wrong or if you show even the slightest hint of nervousness or insecurity, she will reject you and never talk to you again. After she rejects you, she'll find herself a man who is much better looking than you are and who doesn't have an anxiety problem like you do. They will fall in love and live happily ever after, and you will be completely alone for the rest of your life…destined to die a painful and meaningless death.

NO PRESSURE! Just relax and take that bold step forward. However, if you really are too nervous and you don't know what to say, I'll help you out. Just walk up to her and say the following:

"Greetings Darling, I can't help but notice that every time I'm near you, I experience a plethora of twisted feelings and emotions that often leave me feeling internally sick and mentally unwell for numerous days at a time. After analyzing and synthesizing the various components of these feelings and emotions, I have substantially concluded that I'm attracted to you. Given some time, I may even wish to expel my semen into you so that we may produce a ‘unit' together. Are you doing anything next Friday?"

Even if you use this brilliant pick-up line, there is a slight possibility that she will say no. However, I guarantee that she will never forget who you are and that she will tell all of her friends about you.

6. If you are a young woman who is suffering anxiety, reduce your fears by…???

Actually, if you are a young female between the ages of 18 and 30 who is experiencing anxiety, then something is seriously wrong. Young women don't get anxiety, they cause it.

If you are a young female with anxiety, then it's probably because you haven't learned to properly utilize your God-given gift to manipulate the emotions of men in order to get what you want. All you need to do is tap into this ability so that you can learn just how much power and control you really have.

After manipulating numerous men to get what you want, and after creating massive amounts of destruction and irreparable damage to all of the relationships around you as you seek the next item of your desire like the ruthless predator that you are….I'm sure your minor anxiety problem will disappear and you'll feel much better about yourself.

Perhaps you may even decide to savagely kill some innocent, nice, young man who sincerely wishes to give you his heart. You know, just for fun. Small souvenirs are decorations, too. I'm sure his devastated, bleeding, broken heart would fit somewhere in your magnificent trophy room of death.

7. Develop your intellect.

Focusing on the development of your intellect is another excellent way to reduce your anxiety. The more you know about this fascinating world we live in, the less anxious you'll be. Just make sure that you focus on light-hearted and enlightening subjects. Try to avoid dark or dreary topics as these will only increase your anxiety.

Here are a few documentaries I personally recommend.

  • FUCK YOU, I'M NOT COMING OUT: A Story of the Most Violent Prison Cell Extractions in American History
  • OUCH, THAT REALLY HURTS: An analysis of Medieval European Torture Methods
  • WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME: Top 10 Reasons Why People Brutally Murder Their Spouses
  • I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING DOWN THERE: A Story of the Most Haunted Basements in American History

    and its sequel….

  • I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING UP THERE: A Story of the Most Haunted Attics in American History
  • HEY BOB, WHAT'S THAT? : Body Parts in the Woods, and the Hunters who Accidentally Discover Them
  • GOSH, I HOPE THAT WAS ONLY A DREAM: Premonitions, Nightmares, and Other Reasons Why Your Worst Fears Will Probably Come True

and finally…

  • I THINK SOMETHING REALLY BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN: A Scientific Analysis of the Unexplained Human Ability to Instinctively Perceive…When Something Really Bad is Going to Happen

8. Recognize that your anxious thoughts do not resemble reality.

Anxiety disorders must be recognized for exactly what they are: "disorders." Once you realize that your anxiety is a disorder, you will finally begin to understand that all of the horrible and stressful thoughts that continually plague you are only the result of this disorder.

Thoughts that are generated by an anxiety disorder are extremely repetitive in nature. As a result, they often do not match up with reality. It is very essential that you learn to cope with the fact that your thoughts are being continually fueled by a psychological condition. In other words, you have all of these anxious thoughts simply because you are an anxious person.

Here is a little story that might help you…

I once knew a very anxious college student named Jarold. He was a bright young man with very high hopes for the future. Jarold was earning his degree in philosophy with a special emphasis on the dual nature of irreversible non-existence. Upon graduating, he planned to move to Wisconsin, where his degree specializing in non-existence would have been extremely useful.

Despite the many promises that the future held for him, Jarold battled with constant anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety got so bad that Jarold thought he simply wouldn't be able to go on. Just when he thought his anxiety couldn't get any worse, he met a beautiful young woman named Deborah.

Deborah was absolutely stunning. She had soft brown eyes, long-flowing brunette hair, and a body that would make a Greek god get down on his knees and beg for mercy. Jarold's anxiety vanished, and the next few months were purely amazing. Jarold and Deborah spent all of their time together….growing closer with every passing moment. Deborah was truly a gift from Heaven.

Jarold never knew that things could be so amazing. He now looked forward to a future that would be filled with comfort at happiness at every step. For Jarold had discovered one of life's greatest gifts…True Love.

As time went on, however, Jarold began to notice that anxious thoughts were once again slowly creeping into his mind. "How can this be?" Jarold thought to himself as he lay in bed at night with Deborah's beautiful dark hair draped across his chest. "Things are going so well. Why am I having these compulsive, anxious thoughts again"…he wondered.

As days and weeks passed by, Jarold's anxiety grew worse. He even began to have anxious thoughts about Deborah. These were the thoughts that terrified him the most. "What if she cheats on me?" Jarold thought. "I am totally in love with her, and I would do anything in the world for her, but she is so incredibly beautiful. What if she attracts the attention of other men on campus? What if they flirt with her when I'm not around? What if she actually falls for one of them?"

The thoughts were simply too horrible to even consider. Jarold tried to block them from his mind. However, as he was walking to class one night, he suddenly became overwhelmed by all of the anxious thoughts that he had been trying to suppress, and he stopped right in his tracks. "I can't go on like this anymore," Jarold thought to himself. "I just need to be honest with Deborah. I need to tell her about all of my worries and fears, and I'm sure that everything will be OK. It's probably just all in my mind."

As Jarold made his way to Deborah's apartment, he remembered how many of his anxious thoughts in the past had never really added up to anything…how they were only thoughts…and how they had never actually resembled reality.

"Maybe I have an anxiety disorder," Jarold thought to himself as he opened the door to Deborah's apartment only to see her completely naked on an air mattress in the living room blissfully engaged in a threesome with two other men…one on each side.

It was truly a horrendous sight. Jarold could see streaks of make-up running down Deborah's face as she continued to sweat while giving pleasure with one end and receiving it on the other. To make matters even worse, Jarold had apparently opened the door at the conclusion of this event…as he then witnessed both men simultaneously expel the results of what had been 45 minutes of a really good time.

The satisfied look on Deborah's make-up streaked face…as well as the other form of recently produced evidence…indicated that she had enjoyed every single minute of it.

Shock, despair, and horrible, excruciating pain swept over Jarold's soul as he ran out of Deborah's apartment, jumped into his car, and put the full force of his foot on the gas pedal. He simply didn't care. He was so emotionally devastated and shaken that he had completely lost control over himself.

Random students and professors desperately tried to run for cover as Jarold proceeded to leave a streak of irreparable damage. Bodies, books, and blood decorated the horrific scene as his car tore through the campus like a jagged rock that had been thrown into a glass house.

Oddly enough, the 1988 hit song, "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin was playing on the radio as Jarold's car made its way onto the highway…headed full speed towards a rather large pick-up truck.

"Here's a little song I wrote…
You might want to sing it note for note…
Don't Worry….Be Happy….

In every life, we have some trouble…
When you worry, you make it double…
Don't Worry…Be Happy…

Oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo
Don't worry…
Be happy…"

When the vehicles collided, a massive amount of excrement blasted out of Jarold's rear end and splattered all over the driver's seat as he flew out of the windshield and went sailing through the air like a helpless rag doll before smashing through the window of a nearby store that sold cheap perfume and make-up products.

Instead of calling for help like most normal people would do, the owner of the make-up store took it upon herself to drive Jarold to the hospital. She called over to her assistant, and they both carefully placed his heavily injured body in the front seat of the owner's minivan….forgetting, unfortunately, to put his seat belt on.

As the owner of the store was speeding down the highway in her desperate effort to get Jarold to the hospital, she suddenly remembered that she had forgotten to put her make-up on that morning. She pulled down the driver's side mirror in order to quickly apply a few dabbles and then smashed into a parked car on the side of the road.

Jarold flew through the windshield and flopped around helplessly in the air before he was sliced in half by a thin steel cable at a nearby construction site. Both halves of his body landed with a giant "splat" as constructions workers looked on with shock and horror.

The point of the whole story is…

Never get all "cut up" over the small things in life….because you will never be able to "make-up" for all of the years you lost battling your anxiety.