Dear Mr. Coats,
My best friend of almost 20 years, Rosemary, recently became pregnant with her first child. I am absolutely thrilled for her and her husband, and was honored when she asked me to host her baby shower. I accepted without any hesitation, but now I am having some reservations.
I mean, I've held one baby shower in the past so this ain't my first rodeo so to speak, but I've recently learned that Rosemary is pregnant with the Antichrist.
Apparently, a few months back Rosemary attended a Satanic ritual gathering she mistook for a Game of Thrones watch party. After a few rounds of tannis root punch and a brief raping by Beelzebub, POOF! She's carrying the Spawn of Satan. Now she's eating raw meat, speaking in Latin, and just subscribed to US Weekly… a two-year subscription! What should I do?
Signed,
Jumping Everywhere Seeking Ubiquitous Savior
Dear JESUS,
Please, Mr. Coats is my father; call me Dr. Coats, I went to school. Also, your pen name feels rushed and contrived. Work on that. Now on to your question, which is a good one.
As you already know, hosting a baby shower can be a hectic affair, and this is never more true when said child is the harbinger of Armageddon. Now before you say 100 Hail Marys and stock up on holy water, take a deep breath, chow on some raw meat, and relax. There are certain rules when hosting a baby shower, and some of them must be tweaked to appease the Beast.
1. When to Host the Baby Shower
Timing for baby showers is important. Too late and Rosemary might be dead after the Antichrist rips himself from her stomach. Too soon and she won't have a baby bump to sport! Won't that look awkward for pictures! What you want to do is schedule the baby shower for the third trimester, third day, third hour. The 3-3-3 dating is in reverence for our Lord's true number (6-6-6) and looks great on invitations!
2. Sending Invitations
Now I know sending hand written invitations may seem old hat, but this is your first chance to show your guests your creative flair and sedate them for the coming onslaught of death and destruction promised by the Adversary's birth. Take a man in your life who you hold dear, be it a husband, son, or what have you, and slaughter them. Using their blood, write the invitations on parchment made from lamb skin (wink wink) and have them delivered in the dead of the night via raven.
3. Food and Drink
This is where many women hosting a baby shower for the Antichrist mess up. A typical baby shower can last anywhere between 3-4 hours, so having food that tastes delish at room temperature is an absolute must. To tie into the shower's apocalyptian theme and as a sign of solidarity for the mother serve raw goat liver, sheep intestines, chicken heart, and Ritz crackers with cheese and veggies sprinkled on top. Yum! Drinks, of course, should be communion wine stolen from a church (burning down the church is a plus).
4. Activities/Games to Play
Truth or Dare type games are safe and simple, yet expected. Why not spice things up a bit? With any party there will always be that one guest who just rubs people the wrong way. “There's not enough variety in the drinks, celebrating the birth of the Antichrist is blasphemous, wah wah wah.” Take that curmudgeon (or if she doesn't exist, target the weakest amongst you) and offer her as a ritual sacrifice for the impending birth of the Son of the Morning. This game/sacrifice isn't about competition so remember to keep it light; killing a non-believer shouldn't be stressful, it should be fun!
5. This Tip Left Intentionally Blank
Well there you have it miss! Four(ish) easy(ish) tips(ish) to make sure(ish) Rosemary's baby shower is the baby shower to end them all(ish). Ave Satani!
-Dr. Coats