Dear Summer Internship:
First of all I want to thank you for giving me something to do during the daytime. My chronic masturbation was pushing the limits of absurdity and there are only so many episodes of Hogan's Heroes you can watch while high. That being said, I have to address a few issues that have developed in the past few weeks of working here.
First of all, I understand that being a Communications major makes me the bottom feeder in the sea of undergraduate education, but why, as a communications firm, do you insist on making this so obvious? Who bothers to look at what it is you do? Apparently "communications firm" is industry-speak for "loose collection of boring yuppies that have a tenuous grasp on the most basic of PR principles and the workings of the Internet." Three of my friends and I could do what it is you do with the free time we have during the school year. Drunk.
Also, nice move by letting the hot secretary go and move someone "capable" and "trustworthy" in. I honestly don't care how many times she dropped calls or failed to forward important emails to the team. The best you can hope for from someone that pretty is the hand-eye coordination to pick up the phone without setting fire to the place. Plus, hearing the boss scream at her from five doors down really made my inner (and outer) misogynist tingle in a way that only daydreaming about hate-fucking Rachel Ray can achieve. Now with a "3 out of 10, 2 if I'm drunk" sitting at the desk, I no longer start my days with a semi and a smile; now it's an innie and a pout.
Hold on to that phone like it's your career, woman. (Hint: It is.)
Seriously though, what do you have against girls who are attractive? What happened to the pretty Jewess intern I shared a cubicle with? Sure she might have been dumber than a sack full of retarded rocks but man alive, I would've kvetsch'ed the nosh right out of her gefilte fish. Instead you've replaced her with a Middle Eastern major whose only interests are some dirka dirka language out in Hate-America-stan. Alright I get it, you love what you study, now please stop talking to me about it and maybe chew with your mouth closed. I will United 93 your ass like it's 2001 and we just shot a load of white hot patriotism on Afghanistan's face.
Employers, what is it about my attitude that you find so distasteful? Is it the fact that I can't hide my passionate hate for your conversations, which are mostly concerned with mortgage costs and the merits of the city vs. the suburbs? Or maybe it's because I can't even fake enthusiasm for the menial, pointless tasks you randomly assign me once every couple of days? Oh, oh, I know! It's definitely the fact that for the last six weeks I've put the bare minimum effort into everything I've done for this place and when I get out I'm going to bad-mouth you to everyone who will listen! You guys don't even have enough stuff to keep your 15-man company busy for a day, much less an intern too. So the next time you walk in on me asleep or blatantly catching up on episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, don't act like you caught me doing something wrong. Thank your diminishing client base and lack of internal leadership for all the free time you've got instead.
The last thing I wanted to talk to you about is what you've done to my outlook on life-namely, how you've made me reconsider every major educational and personal decision I've ever made. Is this what I've got to look forward to? Chatting with my boring white-bread coworkers about the fine wine I'm going to maybe enjoy on the weekend, provided that the buyer's market for obscure Italian red wines remains stable between ten points and holy-fuck-are-we-really-talking-about-this? Laughing at all their clever observations which are actually the same rehashed shit Carlos Mencia has been harping on about for the last 4 years of his piece of shit show? After each day of work I want to go out and do something dangerous, get a tattoo, get blind drunk and fuck anything that has a hole and isn't moving too quickly, run, run, run and never look back. I hate this 9-6 bullshit and I'll be damned if I'm going to buy into your lies and embrace a cushy lifestyle and give up on my dreams the way you all have.
So all in all, thanks for the best summer of my life since Camp Anawanna. I look forward to never working here or any place like it again.
Kevin "Postal" Chang