Heaven  

four stars 2,895,264 Reviews


Mark L.
Heaven (formerly of Great Neck, NY)
one star
Would it kill someone to shine the pearly gates more than once a week?


Brian F.
Heaven (formerly of Wichita, KS)
one star
The service sucked. I waited a whole 7 minutes to get in. If something like this had happened at a restaurant during my lifetime I would just smile politely and tell them to take their time. Is it too much to ask that the Creator of the Universe have things a little more together than the host at my favorite Olive Garden?!


Shelley R.
Heaven (formerly of Teaneck, NJ)
one star
Can you believe they did not have a golden halo in my size? They apologized and told me they are working on it and could give me a crown in the meantime. A crown?! Are you f-ing kidding me?

Response from Gabriel
Angel in Charge of Heavenly Attire
Shelley, so sorry about that. 7 1/2 is our most popular halo size. You should be all good to go once we receive our next shipment from The Heavenly Haberdashery.


Bertram R.
Heaven (formerly of Ottawa, Canada)
one star
The angelic choir sings Schubert. I’m more of a Gregorian chants kind of guy.


Nick. K.
Heaven (formerly of Dallas, TX)
one star
I would have given zero stars if I could! It’s really amazing what’s “not an option” up here. They tell you you can have anything your heart desires. You can sip piña coladas poolside and never get hungover, you can luxuriate in a hot tub and never get pruney fingers. But all I wanted was to relax in a pile of warm clothing, just out of the dryer that magically never gets cold. And that’s a no-go!?? I cannot believe I did good deeds my entire life just to end up in this hellhole called Heaven. Jesus. Get it together.

Response from Jesús
Manager at Heavenly Dreams
Nick, we are working on your magic laundry request and should be able to have that ready for you in a week. In the meantime, would you like a warm fleece robe?


Shelley R.
Heaven (formerly of Teaneck, NJ)
one star
Update: So I got the halo snafu fixed (after waiting a whole three hours thankyouverymuch). But guess what? The togas they give us are only 800 thread count! Now, I’m not usually a complainer, but if this is going to be an eternity, I’d expect garments in the 1K range MINIMUM.

Response from Gabriel
Angel in Charge of Heavenly Attire
We are sorry our locally sourced, organic, fair trade Egyptian cotton togas are not to your satisfaction. We will send you a complimentary 1200 thread count toga post haste. We are certain the angel wings will be to your liking. They are made from real down.

Response from Shelley R.
Heaven (formerly of Teaneck, NJ)
Real down? More like a real downer! Sure, the angel wings are soft AF. But those fuckers come in 8 colors, including rainbow. Everyone knows angel wings should only be white. Now I have to fly around seeing everyone ‘express themselves’ in their multi-colored wings! I’ve asked to speak to the archangel in charge.


Sammy R.
Heaven (formerly of Basingstoke, England)
one star
I want to like this place, it’s really everything anyone could want. (I just had a three-hour bath and never got pruney fingers.) But I have a deep-seated fear of heights and honestly I can’t enjoy any of this.


Anna B.
Heaven (formerly of Hebron, ME)
one star
The clouds were not as soft as I thought they would be. Total let down.


Shelley R.
Heaven (formerly of Teaneck, NJ)
one star
Update #2: To the archangel I just punched in the face, I’m sorry. But you were just being so nice and God-damn angelic and shit and I just couldn’t stand it!

Response from Archangel Michael
Regional Manager
All is forgiven

Response from Shelley R.
Arrggghhhh


Hilda F.
Heaven (formerly of Poughkeepsie, NY)
one star
All the dogs is just too many dogs.


Shelley R.
Hell (formerly of Heaven and Teaneck, NJ)
four stars
Turns out there was a goddamn mix up and I was never supposed to be in Heaven. So first off —get your shit together, Heaven! Second of all, I’m liking Hell a lot more than Heaven. That river of lava… best chemical peel I’ve ever had. Also—you’ve never had a hot stone massage until the Devil himself has poked you with his burning hot trident. 4 Stars! (Honestly, I would have given 5 stars if it hadn’t been for all the people down here complaining!)


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