Oh, hey, hi! No, I’m not mad you’re half an hour late.

Great, yeah, I’m totally glad you showered. But I’m not sure why you’re standing there holding that ginormous box of condoms. Because I definitely didn’t say Netflix and chill. I’m pretty sure I definitely said Netflix and chili.

Didn’t we talk about how Man of La Mancha is on this week?

There’s literally nothing as fun as watching Man of La Mancha. Along with a nice, hot, spicy bowl of chili. Preferably with some sour cream. Oh, and cheese.

Did you bring any cheese?

Oh, no? Oh, ok.

Oh, sorry, what am I thinking? Definitely come on in.

Ok, so here’s the thing. I already bought the ground beef and some tomatoes. Plus cumin and chili powder obviously. I was kind of counting on you to bring a red onion and a bell pepper though. Preferably a red bell pepper.

So, ok. Here’s what I’m thinking. I mean, I guess we could just make the chili without the onion and the bell pepper. But then it won’t really be my chili, you know? It’s gonna be a lot more like a Manwich. Not that there’s anything wrong with Manwiches. I like them ok I guess. But the thing about Manwiches is, they’re only actually good if you have them on a roll.

Did you bring any rolls?

Oh, you forgot those too? Oh, ok.

Yeah, that’s true. I guess we could just order in. I don’t really know anyplace that delivers chili though, do you?

Also, I don’t have any money. Did you bring any money?

Honestly, we don’t even have to watch Netflix. To tell you the truth, I hardly ever watch it anyway. We could just watch Charlie Rose instead. Charlie Rose is fucking awesome. I think tonight he’s sitting down with Germaine Greer. It’s gonna be awesome.

You know what? I hope I’m not hurting your feelings, but maybe we could just take a rain check on tonight. You can maybe get an Uber home? And I’m just gonna get in my pajamas and watch Charlie Rose. Without any chili.

So yeah, next week sounds great. And definitely read your texts before you come over, ok?

Also, don’t forget to stop at Trader Joe's on the way. They have the best habaneros.