Help! I don’t know what to do or where to start. I’m a 24-year-old male and my girlfriend is a 24-year-old female. And she is leaving me for a Brooklyn Alt Comic. And this guy is a 40 year old fucking ass hat.

We’re a normal couple. We’ve been together for a year and a half and I thought we were deeply in love. Looking back, I guess there were obvious signs that she wanted something new. She said she wanted to make a web series and at first I thought, that’s fine. Web series are normal and respectable mediums for traditional comedy. Set ups. Punchlines. Jokes. Classic. But then she said she wanted to do something like the Tim & Eric Show and I was like, “What’s that?” and then she didn’t say anything.

I should’ve known then.

We first met Dylan at a bar. He seemed like someone who’d like normal comedy. Just a white guy with a good hair cut and I’m like “That’s my guy. Maybe we can talk about Everybody Loves Raymond or the show Mom with Alison Janney” but when he talked he just kept saying phrases like, “Andy Kaufman-esque” and “Dissecting the frog.” And that’s when I realized—this guy is an absolute dolt. But my girlfriend was eating it up. I asked her, “Who’s Andy Kaufman?” to which she replied, “A genius.” And, you know, being a good boyfriend I wanted to be a part of her interests so when I got home I googled him and he just sounds like an asshole. To that she said, “You don’t get it.”

And we didn’t have sex that night. She didn’t even touch me. I was so cold.

Then she started taking me to these shows in these basements. I love sketch comedy I think Inside Amy Schumer is hilarious, but then this Dylan guy, got on stage, and he didn’t do a sketch. He just pretended to make a phone call where he was trying to return a Blockbuster VHS. He did this for twenty minutes and my girlfriend was laughing so hard. I asked her to explain to me why it was funny and she said, “It’s conceptualism” to which I said, “No, it’s not. It’s 10 dollars and a two Narragansett minimum.” Then she said, “Theater is dying.” And I said, “Yeah, it is.”

We sat in silence and when the show finished there was an encore. It was the troupe captain heckling himself and eating mac n cheese for a solid ten.

Afterwards, my girlfriend knew I was in a rush to get home and catch The Goldbergs but she insisted we follow the cast to get drinks at the bar in Applebee’s because it was “hilarious” and “in an ironic way.” So we went.

We were all drinking at Applebee’s and Dylan, the 40-year-old nut sack, asked to see the characters she’d been working on. I was thrilled, I was expecting some impressions or funny voices, but she takes out her iPhone notes and each of her characters are just different frustrated dogs. Dylan was laughing it up and, again, I didn’t get it.

When we got home she was already packing up. She said she was going to stay at Dylan’s because it was going to help her comedic process. Anyway…

It’s now been 21 days since I’ve seen her. Have you guys seen her? Has she been on stage? Will she ever return to me? Please. Seeking any advice.

I want to tell her I miss her, but I’m afraid she’s going to think it’s a bit.

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