As parts of America begin to re-emerge from lockdown, I—a noted New World Turkey Vulture and academic scholar—just want to question the wisdom of masks set forth from the CDC, WHO, public health officials, scientists, doctors, and Democrats not up for re-election.

Sure a mask could protect you, but is that tiny piece of cloth really worthwhile? That extra 15 seconds before one sets out could easily be used for other things, like smothering yourself in butter or adding salt to your juicy and tender forearms.

Don't forget it's absolutely scorching outside—do you really want to inconvenience yourself with a hot face? While it's also hot outside? That's a cruelty no meat should suffer. Plus, with a mask on, you're also unable to consume large quantities of Dr. Pepper until you're inside. (FYI: Dr. Pepper really tenderizes meat from the inside out. Delicious.)

I don't just say this for myself, but for an entire swath of species who are waiting, biding their time at the edges of your cities and towns: the coyotes, eagles, other species of buzzards, beetles, hawks, and occasional possum.

Because there is so little to be gained from this mask culture. Because this virus may be around forever, and so investing in simple precautions is like picking out the bones in your beak before you devour a carcass. Because sure it may save you from choking, but what if I ate said carcass, and didn't immediately choke? Did I not just waste all this time on a precaution? What do I look like I am? Some kind of precautionary vulture? Wrong.

So relax, let your guard down, consider perhaps going to a large crowded space, after you call all your friends. Swim in a tiny public pool, with everyone you've ever known. Bask in the knowledge that your freedom—your tasty delicious mouth-watering freedom —is what's truly at steak here.

—Vulture, Academic Scholar, American


And now a quick joke...

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.